Category Archives: What if comic book situations?

DC vs. Valiant Universe 4: Dr. Mirage vs. Wildfire

Clash of the weirdo energy super heroes!  Dr. Mirage (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Life_of_Dr._Mirage) is made up of necromantic energy.  As I have stated in prior posts, the Valiant universe is more positivistic than the DC universe and basically Dr. Mirage is a ghost with a pseudo science explanation that is a little better than the one provided by Ghostbusters but not by much. 

 

In this version of science, Ghosts are made up of type of energy and all the energy logic we have in natural science applies to ghost energy variously called etheric, psychic or astral energy.  For the record, most traditional physicists hate this kind of New Age energy logic but what do they know?

 

Wildstorm (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wildfire_(comics)) is made up of antimatter energy, technically an exotic rather than weirdo energy.  DC has a plethora of beings made up of pure energy but most of them are made up of electricity which is a pretty mundane energy than an exotic/weirdo energy like antimatter.  How many electrical devices do you have in your house?  Plenty but unless you are an alien I doubt you have any devices powered by antimatter much less necromantic energy.  Even Superman went the electrical energy being route briefly (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Superman_Red). 

 

There are also beings made up of nuclear energy such as Firestorm and Valiant’s own Dr. Solar.  Nuclear energy beings are not as common as electrical energy beings but still more common than beings of stuff like necromantic energy or antimatter energy.  Anyway, the electricity in your house may ultimately be from nuclear energy making this type of energy mundane.

 

Wildstorm isn’t the only DC weirdo energy being.  Negative Man (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negative_Man) has a negative energy being inside of his regular body, host body, technically.  Negative energy fills the weirdo energy part since like necromantic energy I have no idea what negative energy really is but he isn’t a being of pure energy like Dr. Mirage and the Negative energy being can only exist for 60 seconds making him no match for Dr. Mirage. 

 

Being made of pure energy has many advantages regardless of if the energy is mundane, exotic or weird.  You don’t need to go to the bathroom, eat, sleep or even need oxygen and you are probably immortal but generally you don’t have a sex life either and that bother’s the like of Wildstorm.  The best of both worlds is being able to switch back and forth from having a regular body to having an energy body so you can have sex at home but turn into pure energy when needed as a crime fighter and some lucky DC beings can do this. 

 

Dr. Mirage blasts Wildstorm with necromantic energy and nothing happens.  Wildstorm blasts Dr. Mirage with anti-matter energy and nothing happens.  Turns out the two weirdo energies have no affect on each other whatsoever.  This is clearly explained in chapter 13 of the weirdo physics book but I guess these guys dont have that book.  Go ahead and ask your local high school teacher “what happens when you mix antimatter energy with necromantic energy?” and see what sort of answer you get.  This blog is becoming more and more popular so this situation may very well happen and I apologize to high school physics teachers all over the world ahead of time.  After an hour of this they get bored and decide to call it a draw and discuss what it’s like to be a being of pure energy or not.

 

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DC vs. Valiant Universe 3: Bloodshot vs. Cyborg

Bloodshot (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloodshot_%28comics%29) has nanites in his blood stream that give him enhanced strength, speed, healing and technopathy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_comic_book_superpowers#Technopathy). Bloodshot is a cyborg.  A cyborg is generally a human who has been enhanced through the addition of technology.  Some would argue that a person with heart pacer is a cyborg but no someone wearing glasses because the enhancement must be fairly permanent in nature.  Bloodshot does not look like a cyborg but like a vampire.  He has white skin, giant red circle in his chest and eyes lacking pupils.  Compared to his opponent, Bloodshot is a cyborg beauty queen.  Bloodshot also has some hard wired programming that allows him to fight in a super efficient manner.  Bloodshot does not have any built in weapons but generally carries firearms.

 

Cyborg (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyborg_(comics)) is also a cyborg but a more traditional cyborg.  Cyborg has big pieces of shiny metal stuck all over his body.  One of his eyes looks like a camera and kind of is a camera.  Cyborg looks like a cyborg and he does not like the way he looks.  Dad made Cyborg into a cyborg to save his son’s life.  Dad had never watched the Six Million Dollar man, yet another cyborg and had thought of making the prosthetics more cosmetically appealing by coating them with flesh colored plastic and using thinner pieces of metal.  This never occurs to Cyborg either and mostly he sulks about looking like a monster.  Cyborg has super strength as opposed to enhanced strength i.e. he is stronger than Blood Shot but not as fast and agile and all those big pieces of metal probably even slow him down a bit.  Cyborg has any number of built in weapons and gadgets unlike Bloodshot.  One of his many gadgets is a device that enables him to control most computer systems.  An old fashioned version of technopathy compared to Bloodshot’s.  Most of Cyborg is covered with promethium, an exotic metal.  Promethum is pretty much indestructible but Cyborgs human innards are still vulnerable.

 

Bloodshot and Cyborg are both shopping at Cyborg R US the trendy new chain of clothing stores for the burgeoning cyborg population.  Both spot a really cool limited edition T-Shirt by Polo.  The T-Shirt has “Cyborgs Make Better Lovers” as its motto.   This is the T-Shirt every upscale cyborg must have but there is only one left!  This is a limited edition T-Shirt and both parties realize there probably isn’t another one on sale anywhere.  Cyborg needs every fashion break he can get and really hates how the fact that Bloodshot is a cyborg and actually looks pretty cool rather than looking like a monster.  Bloodshot is actually a better lover since becoming a cyborg since the nanites give him enhanced stamina and control of every part of his body.  Cyborg hasn’t had any good loving since becoming a cyborg despite having a gadget just for such a purpose.  Bloodshot does not care for Cyborg’s hostile attitude.  After some arguing and attempts to use their technopathy on each other, which fails, they square off to fight for the T-Shirt.

 

Bloodshot is more agile than Cyborg and gets the first shot.  Blooshot shoots Cyborg with a machine gun but the bullets just bounce off Cyborg’s promethium.  Cyborg then aims his sonic scrambler at Bloodshot and stuns Bloodshot.  A normal person would have been knocked out but Bloodshot has enhanced regeneration.  The sonic scrambler affects everything in front of it so there is not much in the way of aiming or much possibility of dodging the beam. 

 

Bloodshot could have leapt over Cyborg and hit Cyborg from behind but Bloodshot is not that sort of fighter.  This is despite probably having the ability to pull of this move.  If I had enhanced strength and agility this would be my standard move since it routinely gets you out of the way of whatever they can toss at you and gets you behind them.  Basically apply dog fight logic to hand to hand combat.

 

Cyborg closes in a punches Bloodshot.  In theory a punch from the likes of someone with super strength should take the head right off of someone lacking Superman style invulnerablity as is the case with Bloodshot but this never happens in comic books since this would upset the six children that still read comic books.  Bloodshot is conked out and Cyborg wins!

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DC vs. Valiant Universe 2: Armorines vs. The Atomic Knights

The Armorines (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armorines) are a group of U.S. Marines that wear armor based on bits and pieces of alien technology that has fallen into the hands of the US government.  If Iron Man is good then a team of Iron Men should be even better.  The armor is not as good as the X-O Manowar armor ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/X-O_Manowar) that is the premiere armor of the aliens but is the best the U.S. government could come up with bits and pieces of alien technology. 

 

Once again, we see a “realistic” POV towards weapons in the Valiant universe that is not present in the DC universe in particular that I mentioned in the overview of this series.  Countless aliens have come and gone to Earth on DC yet the US government never tries to appropriate any alien technology and just watches these aliens come and go passively.  The Marvel universe is similar but we do see in Armor Wars minseries how governments and super villains alike will try to use Iron Man’s technology.

 

In the, upcoming, Marvel vs. Valiant series I will have any number of armored teams to choose so but this is not the case in the DC Universe.  DC is a magic centered universe with a wealth of magic based characters.  Marvel is a technology centered universe were a wealth of technology based characters exist but a whole vein of this technology takes the form of the “power cosmic” that is similar to magic in that the power cosmic that is a super technology that is so fantastic and super to the point of interfering with credibility.  Valiant is a logos universe were both technology and magic are rule governed and not as mysterious or unique as in DC or Marvel and the readers and characters in the universe can learn, understand and adapt.  The US government can learn how to use alien technology.  The Valiant universe is also a more positivistic universe than the DC or Marvel universe.

 

DC has a very small number of armored superheroes or super villains much less armored teams.  One team is the Rocket Red Brigade (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rocket_Red_Brigade) that was developed by the Soviet Union to defend the motherland from metahumans (DC speak for superhumans).  The problem is the Rocket Reds are not a team so much as a brigade.  The Rocket Reds never had their own series and the characters of individual Rocket Reds were never fleshed out.  There is also nothing “DC” about the Rocket Reds and the Rocket Reds show up after a plethora of such teams at Marvel.  The Rocket Reds could exist just as easily in the Marvel universe and in fact the Soviet Union, in the Marvel universe, developed the Crimson Dynamo and the Titanium Man as a direct challenge to Iron Man and made them into a team to defend the motherland years before the Rocket Reds showed up.

 

The Atomic Knights (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atomic_Knight) are totally DC!  Medieval armor becomes irradiated, in a post WW III world, and instead of killing the wearers due to radiation poisoning, becomes more durable.  I remember reading the Atomic Knights as a young man and when you are eight you don’t question such events based on something as boring as science.  The problem is that the average age of comic book readers jumped from an average of from something like 12 to 25 between the sixties and eighties and post-18 readers do bring actual science into comic book discussions.  Comic books changed from being a type of fantasy with a thin patina of SF to being more SF.  Star Wars vs. Star Trek is DC vs. Marvel in terms of fantasy vs. SF.

 

This change in readership age forced DC to retcon the Atomic Knights.  DC explained the Atomic Knights as a giant hallucination!  Such is the fate of heroes from a simpler comic book era in modern times.  Obviously the Armorines can’t fight a hallucination and this retcon will be totally ignored and replaced by a substitution of my own.

 

The Atomic Knights are brought out of retirement to fight the Armorines as test in front of the US military brass.  Many of the generals in the US military are skeptical of this new fangled alien technology and want to see how the new guys fare against the armored veterans that returned from a recon mission in an alternative future and fought various menaces in the present before retiring. 

 

Hey, my retcon makes at least as much sense as the official hallucination one.  The Atomic Knights are a lot older than the Armorines but incredibly the irradiated armor slows down the aging process!  Hey if radioactive spider bites are good for you then why can’t irradiated armor be good for you?  The Armorines blast the Atomic Knights from the sky.  The Atomic Knights don’t have blasters nor can they fly but they do carry swords!  In true DC fashion the Atomic Knights don’t carry 45’s since weapons monomania is a trademark of the DC universe as mentioned in the overview to this series.  One of the Atomic Knights throws a sword at the energy pack of the Armorines, rather than his chest, since they are on the same side and this is just a test, and brings the Armorine down and then pummels the Armorine since it turns out irradiated medieval armor is pretty tough! 

 

The Atomic Knights once fought Hercules before they became hallucinations and Hercules is about as strong as Superman and Superman is stronger than anything in the Valiant universe.  If Herculean blows can’t destroy the Atomic Knight armor then Armorine blows stand no chance at all.  One Armorine down! 

 

The other Armorines fly out of the range of thrown swords, about five feet, and come up with a plan.  They gang up on one Atomic Knight and fire all the blasters on the one Atomic Knight at the same time.  The Atomic Knight goes down.  The Atomic Knight armor is not damaged in the least but the person in the armor is hurled against the armor with such force that he or she is knocked out.  This is similar to how the kinetic energy of a bullet breaks a rib even when the bullet does not penetrate the vest.  Modern super armor would have some sort of shock absorbing layer but this is literally irradiated medieval armor with none of those new fangled systems.  Actually no one has figured out how to do this in real life but this is standard pseudo science in comic books. 

 

The Atomic Knights try throwing swords again but once you know what’s up, dodging a sword when you have flight on your side isn’t that hard.  Throwing knives is really hard.  I can throw a knife at someone’s chest from three to five feet with some degree of accuracy after hours and hours of practice.  I tried throwing swords in my backyard a hundred years ago and it’s basically impossible. The sword throws were so wild that I started worrying about killing one of the neighbor kids and gave it up.  Braveheart makes it look so easy! Still this is a comic book battle not an actual one. One by one the Atomic Knights go down. 

 

One of the US military Brass watching the conflict wonders how the Atomic Knight armor would do in a battle with the Armorines with an upgrade.  After all the Atomic Knight armor is really tough and if you add blasters and flight capability you might have something even tougher than the alien armor.  Better still use the Atomic Knight armor as a core and build a layer of Armorine armor around the core.  The armor would be less maneuverable than Armorine armor but suitable for environments were durability is more important than maneuverability such as deep space or deep sea missions.  This is after all the Valiant universe where such thinking can occur.  Stay tuned for the Atomic Armorines!  Just kidding!

 

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What if Comics 2: The Dark Psi Lords

The Dark Psi Lords is one of the most nefarious villains for hire organizations and specialize in parallel Earth invasions. Individually each member can bring chaos to a country.  Together they can plunge an entire world into chaos and are often hired by an Earth from one dimension to invade an Earth from another dimension to destroy the enemy psychologically as a prelude to actual invasion.  Each member is a master of manipulating a particular psychological weakness.  Their means are devious but effective.

 

Green Alienator

Their leader, the Green Alienator is a former professor and blogger, who discovered he has the ability start a war, battle or conflict between any two parties via a few well planted communications.  The Green Alienator has both limited telepathy, technopathy and hyperkinesic perception (HKP).  This is an unusual combination of psi powers. 

 

After arriving at an Earth, he can read the minds of the inhabitants and plan a strategy to increase divisions on the target Earth.  He cannot read minds word for word.  He can read about every third to seventh word of a subject.  These are words that have more emotional intensity.  Words that are emotionally important to the subject are easier to read than words that are not emotionally important to the subject. A typical reading will yield something like:

 

“I _ _ _ _ bought _ _beer.”

 

Translation:

 

“I was at the supermarket and bought a beer.”

 

The Green Alienator does sense blanks in the communication clearly.  The Green Alienator can sense the subject cares about beer a great deal.  Since the Green Alienator is aware of which words are generally of low emotional intensity, he has learned to fill in the blanks.

 

The Green Alienator has turned his telepathic weaknesses into a strength.  Since, he can only read minds sufficiently to figure out which words trigger emotions, his semantic knowledge of the emotional significance of words on the target Earth is soon quite large.  The Green Alienator prefers to use the internet communication system of the Earth under attack. 

 

As mentioned, the Green Alienator also has limited technopathic abilities.  Unlike more powerful technopaths, the Green Alienator cannot create brand new technologies or gadgets but can only use an Earth’s existing electronic technology in an optimal manner.  The Green Alienator can easily set up an internet based communication system that will reach millions within a month upon arriving at a target Earth.  The Green Alienator has been exposed to the electronic communications technology of dozens of Earths. These systems are often more technologically advanced than the target Earth so he can seem to be inventing new technology when this is not actually the case.  This combination of ability and knowledge allows the Alienator to create a marketing empire very quickly on the target Earth with financial resources that the Lords can use to their advantage for their mission.  The Green Alienator also uses his technopathy to create false electronic identities for himself and his fellow Lords. 

The Green Alienator has HKP is a form of body language perception.  The person with HKP can read body language to an extreme extent and can basically tell the mood of someone and if they are lying (https://foxhugh.wordpress.com/2008/03/).

The Green Alienator does not generally contact his counterpart on the target Earth, when they exist, since this has been found to be both confusing and painful.  His counterparts generally have just enough telepathy, technopathy and HKP to have some empathy for his situation but not enough psychic power to be useful.  Later they get in the way.  They want to help him but don’t understand he has crossed the line to full blown villainy.  Killing your counterpart in such situations is not easy.  Once upon a time the Green Alienator was a very different person and his counterparts cannot or will not understand what he has become!

 

The Green Alienator will contact the counterparts of former lovers and his two ex-wives when they were younger, while disguised and enjoys having an experience that is both new and old at the same time.  Seduction becomes easier after practice with a counterpart many times over but each counterpart is just a little bit different.  The Green Alienator also seduces women who will become famous movie stars before this is the case.

 

Overall, the Lords have access to technology that is 10-30 years more advanced than that of the target Earth. .The Green Alienator has a paunch and this causes enemies to underestimate his martial arts skills which are considerable due to his HKP and penchant for lethal gadgets.  The Alienator does keep covert weapons on his person.  His green cargo vest, that he often wears, seems to be of a normal fabric but is actually made of an advanced form of spider silk (http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2005/01/0114_050114_tv_spider.html).  The vest is essentially bullet proof and knife proof.  The vest is generally filled with various gadgets that look like one thing but are something else.  The Green Alienator can sense when someone is about to attack.   The Green Alienator can also sense how the person will attack i.e. a kick or punch since he can read the tensing of muscles that generally comes ahead of an attack and will have the appropriate gadget ready to take out his opponent even before the opponent attacks.

The Green Alienator always carries a sonic screwdriver (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sonic_screwdriver) in the form of a Mont Blanc pen.  The Green Alienator stole this technology from Dr. Who (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor_Who) before fleeing Dr. Who’s dimension. The visit was an accident since the Lords have a policy of avoiding super heros as much as possible.

 

Having lived on many particular Earths, all three Lords have developed a “what if” view of history that is difficult with those without interdimensional travel to understand.  The Green Alienator can often predict how a particular cultural, political, or economic event will unfold and could write a formal academic treatise on the subject but does not do so since the knowledge dangerous in the hands of another.

 

Smiling Naysayer

The second Lord is the Smiling Naysayer.  The  Smiling Naysayer can come up with a thousand reasons why any action, project or even train of thought will fail and that the best course of action is to do nothing.  The Smiling Naysayer styles himself a type of bard.  In the case of the Alienator the words used are important rather than how they are communicated.  In the case of the Bard the opposite is true.   With his psychic power he can make the most outrageous argument seem sensible.  Generally, the Green Alienator sets up a talk show that the Smiling Naysayer can use as his forum.  The Green Alienator manipulates the stats of that Earth’s Nielsen Ratings (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nielsen_Ratings)

so that the  show is a hit and people watch hits in turn making the show and actual hit.

 

The  Smiling Naysayer can truly convince the enemy that” resistance is futile” via his talk show, unlike the physically formidable Borg but psychological idiots, the Borg(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borg_(Star_Trek)) that use the same sentence to no effect.  Despite making fun of the Borg, the league generally stays clear of universes that contain the Borg anywhere near the Earth in the 20th century.

 

A typical combination tactic by the Alienator and the  Smiling Naysayer is for the Alienator to start a war between two nation states and for the  Smiling Naysayer to destroy the will to fight of the stronger nation state.  Typically the Lords uses this strategy to get the equivalent of France to conquer the target Earth, one nation at a time, by having the French conquer successively stronger countries until seemingly impossibly, the French have conquered the Earth.  Then the invading Earth takes out France and takes over the whole already conquered Earth.  An Earth governed by single weak state is much more easily invaded than an Earth with many strong nation states.  This strategy was devised and perfected by the Alienator and the client Earth generally goes along with his advice. 

 

If at any point you think France is taking over your world then you are probably the target of interdimensional invasion!

 

The  Smiling Naysayer is not a technopath  but will use advanced technology, when necessary, to accomplish his mission.  The Naysayer prefers to use pubs as his forum for nay saying which is effective against leaders of the target Earth.  If the Naysayer invites you to a pub to drink then the chances are pretty much zero you will say no to the invitation.  The  Smiling Naysayer can cause Mormons to go to a pub and have a beer.

 

This ability to talk anyone in a pub to do anything means he can’t reach the masses of a target Earth.  The  Smiling Alienator can help spread the Naysayers message through technological means but this is not as effective.  Communication between the Alienator and the Naysayer is generally keep do a minimum during a mission, to keep their cover, but after having conquered so many Earths together this is not a problem.  The  Smiling Naysayer takes on many guises but generally keeps his trade mark Harry Potter glasses, a shaved head and is always smiling even when giving the worst assessment of a situation. 

 

The  Smiling Naysayer will look up his counterpart under disguise and they generally have a good time drinking at a pub.  The  Smiling Naysayer avoids meeting the counterpart of his wife and son since this brings up painful memories of his abandoning them in other to seek his fortune as a Psi Lord.  He will look up counterparts to the drinking partners he knew a long time ago on his Earth.

 

The Dark Purple Fog

The third member of the Lords is the Dark Purple Fog.  Unlike the other Lords, the Dark Fog will not try to disguise his appearance in the least.  The Dark Purple Fog is literally surrounded by a dark purple fog that is perceptible to psychics but not to most normal human beings but to some extent blurs his appearance.  People can remember his presence but have a hard time describing his features in any detail.  The Dark Purple Fog can move the fog away from himself and those under the fog find themselves feeling depressed, anxious, angry and eventually descend into madness if the fog is not lifted.  When the fog is moved his features can be seen by an observer in detail.  The Dark Purple Fog is the most powerful member of the league in terms of sheer raw psi energy but is only partially protected from the effects of his dark fog and this causes him to often act erratically. 

 

The Dark Purple Fog considers the use of electronic media by the Green Alienator or conversation by the Smiling Naysayer as being far inferior to his dark fog.  The Dark Purple Fog is also anti-technology and only uses the advanced technology that the Lords have if forced to.  The Dark Purple Fog has some contempt for the other Lords and privately wonders if he would be happier in a super hero universe which the other Lords have an extreme aversion to.  The Dark Purple Fog is becoming more powerful and is slowly developing telekinetic powers.  He can use his dark purple fog to lift objects the size of a baseball.  The other two Lords use a combination of their limited powers, talents and technology to achieve their ends.  The Dark Purple Fog loves how he can cause chaos with his power alone without the aid of talents or technology. 

 

The Dark Purple Fog actively looks for his target Earth counterpart and tries to enlighten him but his power generally goes out of control and he only hurts his counterpart.  Incredibly he lifted his counterpart, the last time he had such a meeting, and slammed him into the ground leaving him unconscious.  Generally his counterparts have low level blue collar jobs and have never left Alice Springs, Australia and cannot comprehend interdimensional travel.  Since the dark fog shrouds his features, they do not realize he is a physical duplicate until the dark fog engulfs them and at that point they really don’t care. 

 

Why the Dark Purple Fog has his power and none of his counterparts do is a mystery but one commonality is that none of his counterparts went down the dark and devilish road of Dungeons and Dragons (D&D). 

 

As we all know D&D is just a thinly disguised sequence and set of spells designed by Satan to set in motion the end of days.

 

The Dark Psi Lords started when the Smiling Naysayer, not the  Smiling Naysayer back then, said the words of a particular piece of D&D text while…

 

No I draw the line right here!  If I describe what happened then three more Dark Psi Lords might pop up!

 

This information is classified!*

 

The Dark Purple Fog will seek out a particular bully counterpart in Alice Springs that bullied him on his Earth and torture him with the dark fog for longer and longer periods until destroying his psyche.

 

Under optimal conditions the Dark Purple Fog can project a fog about the size of Hawaii and once caused an island about this size in to fall into deep depression and ultimately madness without intending to do this before he mastered control of his power.  This island was in East Asia and is where the Lords met each other before they became Lords. 

 

This information is also classified. **

 

The combination of the psychic assault of the Naysayer on the leadership of a country and the Dark Purple Fog on a city under attack means that by the time the French arrive to invade the New York City, there is no will to resist.  The  Smiling Naysayer and Dark Purple Fog do not get along and the Green Alienator often finds himself in the ironic position of mediator between the other two Lords.

 

The Lords have an ultimate weapon.  This weapon is totally life like androids from one the West World dimensions.  The Lords are aware of the LMDs of the Marvel dimensions but do not venture in such realms.  The Lords secretly replace major political and financial leaders with androids under their control.  The Alienator uses the financial resources of whatever telecommunications empire he has to create the androids secretly. 

 

The Green Alienator has a personal interest in this technology since he has over time become addicted to the company of sexbots which act as personal constant from his travels from Earth to Earth.  The Green Alienator generally arrives at an Earth with an entourage of sexbots that acts as his agents and bodyguards as well as personal servitors in every way imaginable.

 

Each Lord calls himself a Lord because each one is the secret overlord of an Earth that they rule through a combination of covert androids and advanced psychological technologies.  Between missions the Lords decided it was time to do some conquest of their own.  There are a series of Earths in which Spain remained the dominant power and had no English industrial revolution.  Spain rules the world with an iron hand with the equivalent of 17th century technology in 1999.  The Lords targeted three Earths were Spain ruled the world.

 

The Green Alienator has many palaces on his Earth with extensive harems. The Alienator maintains enormous armies of cyborgs in secret locations around his Earths to prevent rebellion but mostly to prevent the sort of invasions they have facilitated.  The Green Alienator did steal a terminator from a terminator universe and even upgraded this already formidable weapon.  The Green Alienator also stole technology from a Matrix Earth and uses this technology for both recreational purposes and to explore his “What if” philosophy via simulations.  A primitive version of his thoughts has been posted on a blog on his home i.e. the Earth he was born on. He rarely visits this Earth and an android takes his place on his “home” Earth.

 

The Smiling Naysayers Earth has the most extensive global network of pubs of any Earth the Lords have visited, that he owns, complete with covert teleportation equipment that allow him to go from any pub he owns to any other pub.

 

What the Dark Purple Fog has done to his Earth is shrouded in mystery since he has never invited the other two Lords over despite the fact that the Green Alienator and Smiling Naysayer often visit each other at their respective Earth’s.  The two other Lords suspect the worst but are wary of the Dark Purple Fogs power and do not want to endanger their lucrative partnership despite their misgivings.  The Dark Psi Lords are among the most successful villains in the multiverse as their Lord status proves. 

 

How many super villains actually rule an Earth despite countless attempts to do so?  In this sense the Lords have been more successful than such noteworthy super villains as Dr. Doom and Lex Luthor.  Initially, the Dark Psi Lords would take about three years to take over an Earth but over time have become more sophisticated in their methods and with the addition of more and more technology from more and more Earths have become more and more powerful.  The Psi Lords can generally conquer a, none super hero, Earth in about a year. 

  

However, the Dark Psi Lords recognizes its limitations and will turn down assignments that are deemed too dangerous.  This includes any universe with super heroes and missions to far into the future where they might not have a technological edge.  Only the Dark Purple Fog has a level of super power that would give him any sort of status in super hero universe.  The Green Alienator and Smiling Naysayer are quite aware via secondary evidence, such as comic books, all interdimensional travelers knows that comic book writers and artists are interdimensional telepaths, that powers not talents and technology rule super hero Earths.  An offer to facilitate the invasion of the Earth that is inhabited by the Authority was turned down after a hearty laugh by the trio. 

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DC vs. Valiant Universe 1: Archer & Armstrong vs. Batman & Robin

The top hero and sidekick teams of the two universes are pitted against each other.  In the Valiant case, the hero is the immortal Armstrong (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archer_and_Armstrong) but he often acts like petulant child compared to his teenage partner.  Archer is the sidekick but the relationship between Archer and Armstrong is much more complex than the relatively simple Batman and Robin one.  Batman is the omniscient father figure and leader to Robin’s apprentice role.  In many ways Archer is more mature than Armstrong despite his youth and perhaps is not really a sidekick after all.  Archer’s name is after all first in the title and perhaps not just due to alphabetical conventions.  Archer and Armstrong represent the postmodern parent/child relationship were the child often has to take care of the parent with addictions and/or human frailties.  Did I mention that Armstrong is a lush?  This was by far the strongest title in the Valiant line and had a great deal of black humor and irony in the title.  Irony is a rare commodity in comic books.

 

Armstrong, as mentioned, is immortal and thousands of years old. Armstrong has super human regeneration but nowhere near Wolverine levels.  Armstrong is freakishly strong but not Spiderman strong. I would say slightly over the limit of a human at peak performance.  Armstrong is also a lover not a fighter as opposed to his elder brother, the Eternal Warrior. Armstrong will not seek out evil as he has made clear to his older brother. 

 

Fortunately for the reader, evil seeks him out mostly in the form of a conspiratorial sect that sees him as a sort of Anti-Christ while the leadership of the organization has figured out that actually killing Armstrong removes the organizations reason for being and try to make a deal with Armstrong and Armstrong is not totally opposed to the idea. Complex motivations of this sort for both hero and villain are very rare in comic books, unfortunately.

 

Batman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batman) not be as strong as Armstrong but he’s a fighter not a lover although he pretends otherwise as Bruce Wayne.  I might add that Armstrong would probably know about Batman’s rep and might very well run away!  We have to assume that for this fight to even happen both fighters live in a common universe.  Anyway this is the assumption I will make in all “What if fights” since the whole how they meet write up via interdimensional travel is repetitive and tiresome.  Armstrong hasn’t survived for thousands of years by making futile last stands.  For a big guy, Armstrong has proven himself very adept at running away in the past but Batman is a master tracker and always, always gets his man.  might

 

There are probably a dozen ways Batman can take out Armstrong.  Perhaps Batman tosses a batarang (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Batarang) to the head of Armstrong.  Batman could also toss a vial of knockout gas from his utility belt.   Defeating stronger but less skilled fighters is kind of Batman’s trademark, the Blockbuster comes to mind, but how will Batman fare against Armstrong’s older brother, the Eternal Warrior?  What about the battle between the sidekicks?

 

Archer has a type photographic memory that is sometimes referred to as photographic reflexes, like the current Batgirl (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cassandra_Cain) and Marvel’s Taskmaster (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taskmaster).  If Armstrong sees a martial arts move, or any movement actually, he can mimic that move instantly and perfectly.  This is a major super power.  I would put it in the top ten of super powers.  Persons with this power can take on the likes of Batman, as Batgirl does, and Spiderman, as the Taskmaster does, much less sidekicks. 

 

Personally I have never understood why the characters with this power don’t take up golf.  Golf requires almost zero fitness as opposed to martial arts and is far more lucrative than being a crime fighter and a lot less risky than being a super villain.  The Taskmaster opened a school to teach villians.  Why oh why did he not become a sports trainer to sports super stars.  I am sure the likes of Michael Jordan have deeper pockets than the villians and such activity does not put you on a collision course with the Avengers as his henchmen school did.

 

Batman finishes off Armstrong and arrives just in time to see Armstrong take out Robin with a perfect sequence of kung fu moves.  Batman observes the action and realizes exactly what power Armstrong has and takes him out with one of his many toys from a distance.  Batman is a strategic thinker and you don’t close in on fighters with this particular power.  Armstrong has fought skilled martial artists but not one with the plethora of toys Batman has and has no memorized moves to fall back on. Anyway, how do you memorize a move to counter knock out gas anyway without a gas mask? 

 

That’s why the Taskmaster carries his own set of toys including a duplicate of Captain America’s shield and Hawkeyes bow and arrow, the Black Knights sword, etc.  Armstrong with a shield could throw the shield to knock the vial back at Batman or use an arrow to shatter the vial before the vial came to near to be effective.  Archer might even be able to use the sword to swat the vial or batarang or whatever away.  Hey, wait a second! Archer often carries a hand held cross-bow.  Archer shoots the vial of knock out gas in mid flight and then is conked by a batarang before he can reload.  This is why an assault rifle with an extended clip is preferable to a hand held cross-bow.

 

An alternative ending is that Batman looks at Robins sorry a** , this is a PG blog, kids after all still read comic books, thank you, on the floor and offers Archer a job as a side kick.  Archer might very well accept.  Did I mention Armstrong is a lush? Besides that, Archer is a consummate martial artist and Batman is the foremost teacher of the martial arts while Armstrong has nothing to teach Archer in this area.

 

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DC vs. Valiant Universe Overview – 0

I probably own every issue of the short lived Valiant Universe (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valiant_Comics) and in my view the demise of this line was a sad day in comic book history.  The Valiant line was conscious attempt to make a better super hero for reasons I will outline in the introduction.

 

One way to arrange comic book universe battles is to match up opponents that are more less doppelgangers of each other.  This is what happened in the DC vs. Marvel miniseries (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DC_vs._Marvel)

that matched up such doppelgangers as Aquaman (DC) and Namor the Submariner (Marvel). The advantages of the doppelganger approach are many.  The main one is you get contests between more or less equal heroes.  Secondly, you can keep a score card.  Maybe universe X has the strongest hero but Universe Y has the fastest one.  DC may have more heavy hitters in the area of magic but Marvel has more heavy hitters in the area of the power cosmic.  You put the top mage of the DC Universe, Mordru, against the top mage in the Marvel universe, Dr. Strange, and of course Mordru wins but in another category such as the power cosmic, DC wins. The Silver Surfer, for example, easily defeats the Black Racer.  I did not apply the doppelganger approach to my earlier D&D vs. Marvel post and am trying to do this with a future post, DC vs. D&D. 

 

I have tried to apply this logic to the DC vs. Valiant post as much as possible.  The problem is that many of the DC characters were created in simpler times when the one gimmick rule applied.  The Flash was the fast guy.  Green Lantern had a power ring.  If they had any other talents or weapons then this never came up.  Thanks to Stan Lee (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stan_lee), at Marvel, heroes starting having something resembling characterization and DC followed suit but not to the same degree as Marvel. 

 

This use of characterization meant that psychological stuff could impact the fight not just their super powers.  This so called Marvel Revolution started with the Fantastic Four.  The Thing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thing_%28comics%29), of the Fantastic Four, is not as strong as the Hulk or Thor but he is a disciplined fighter.  When the Champion (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Champion_of_the_Universe), an Elder of the Universe, challenges the “strongest” heroes of the Marvel universe to a boxing match, the Thing wins not the Hulk or Thor.  The Thing wins because he follows boxing protocol.  The Hulk just goes nuts and is dismissed from the ring.  Thor pulls out his hammer and is also dismissed for breaking the rules.  In Secret Wars II (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secret_Wars_II), the Thing single handily stops and army of evil doers from touching the Beyonder through sheer will power rather than strength.  Ben Grim, the alter-ego of the Thing is a tough New York from the wrong side of the tracks who never gives up.  Daredevil (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daredevil_%28Marvel_Comics%29) has gone up against the likes of the Hulk and Namor and his determination to keep fighting to the end have enabled him to achieve pyrrhic victories against both these Marvel powerhouses.

 

Later still, heroes started carrying weapons!  This makes total sense to me.  If I was the Green Lantern I would still carry a 45 to shoot those giant yellow eagles that seem to be all over the place when you are a Green Lantern.  The Green Lantern ring is helpless against yellow colored objects.  Interestingly 45’s don’t share this weakness.  Green Lantern could have just plugged any number of yellow colored menaces during his career.  Better yet why not get one of those nifty utility belts from my buddy Batman?  If I was the Flash I would definitely grab some shrunken and knifes that I could hurtle at super speed like the Whirlwind, of the Marvel universe, eventually did.  Ok the Flash is a good guy and can’t use bladed weapons that kill but how about rubber balls that he throws at varying levels of super speed for different levels of lethality?

 

The Valiant universe is a later more complex universe than DC and Marvel and this complexity makes doppelgangers harder to find than between DC and Marvel.  The Batman aversion to guns, a prime example of the weapon monomania that plagues comic books, does not exist in the Valiant universe.  Most of the Valiant heroes will grab and use weapons as opportunity allows.  Being a martial arts enthusiast and big fan of weapons of opportunity I like this characteristic of the Valiant universe.  The X-O Manowar, a Valiant hero for whom a post will be written, is a barbarian that understands swords and does not fully understand super armor, when abducted by Aliens, but understands a weapon is a weapon and you might as well grab a good one when you can. 

 

Also, I have noticed that Valiant heroes, inherited from the Gold Key Comics (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gold_Key_Comics)

line, often have a category of villain they go after rather than just fighting bad guys in general and this is characteristic is hard to match in the DC or Marvel universe. There will be 22 posts in this series including this one. In comic books there is a fashion to start a series with zero rather than #1 and I like to be fashionable.  Anyway, this is the numbering system of the major arcana of the Tarot and therefore good enough for me.

 

 

The Valiant heroes covered in the series will include:

1) Archer & Armstrong (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archer_and_Armstrong)

2) Armorines (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armorines)

3) Bloodshot (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloodshot_%28comics%29)

4) Dr. Mirage (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Life_of_Dr._Mirage)

5) Eternal Warrior (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eternal_Warrior)

6) Geomancer (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clay_McHenry_%28Valiant_Comics%29)

7) H.A.R.D. Corps (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H.A.R.D._Corps)

8) Harbinger (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harbinger_%28comics%29)

9) Magnus, Robot Figher (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnus,_Robot_Fighter)

10) Ninjak (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ninjak)

11) Outcast (http://www.valiantentertainment.com/wiki/index.php/The_Outcast)

12) Psi Lords (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psi_Lords)

13) PunX (http://www.valiantentertainment.com/wiki/index.php/PunX)

14) Rai (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rai_%28comics%29)

15) Secret Weapons (http://www.valiantentertainment.com/wiki/index.php/Secret_Weapons)

16) Shadowman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadowman_%28comics%29)

17) Solar (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solar_%28comics%29)

18) Timewalker (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timewalker)

19) Turok (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turok),

20) Visitor (http://www.valiantentertainment.com/wiki/index.php/The_Visitor)

21) X-O Manowar( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/X-O_Manowar)   

 

I have about 100 plus “What if fights” planned for this blog so stay tuned. We have to assume that for these fights to even happen both fighters live in a common universe.  Anyway this is the assumption I will make in all “What if fights” since the whole how they meet thing is repetitive and tiresome.  The same assumption will be used in the “What if dates” post the second major category of this blog site.

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Star Trek vs. Star Wars

If there was a war between the Star Trek galaxy vs. the Star Wars galaxy then who would win? 

 

Funniest site!  And you must check it out even if you don’t care about the debate all that much.

http://www.stardestroyer.net/Empire/

 

Most technical site

http://www.st-v-sw.net/

 

Most comprehensive site

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Trek_versus_Star_Wars

 

Easiest to understand site and the one that leads me to believe that even putting aside the Republic or Empire encompasses thousands of world vs. the 180 worlds of the Federation the Star Wars guys would win with equal numbers.  There weapons are just too powerful. 

 

I do think the fundamental way the debate is framed generally Empire vs. Federation is not the best way to frame the debate due to the total inequality of numbers.  The Empire is bigger than the Federation by at least a factor of ten.  Now if you assume all the Star Trek empires unite including the Klingons, Cardassians, Romulans and even the Dominion you still have a huge numerical disparity since as far as I can tell this would be hundreds of worlds but not thousands of world.  But if the Borg unite with all the other empires then you have a different picture.  One Borg cube can take out a fleet and who the heck knows how many cubes there are.  The Borg did unite with Voyager against a common threat so this possibility has already been established.

 

And…..

 

There are Elder Races in the Star Trek universe that have powers far beyond that of the Empire/Republic or Federation. The Q might be able to shrink a whole fleet of Star Ships to the size of fleas. 

 

 I am more a Star Trek fan and disappointed but “facts are facts” and even given equal numbers Star Trek is in trouble.

 

http://www.stardestroyer.net/Empire/Essays/FiveMinutes.html

 

Which franchise is more successful in the real world?

http://www.forbes.com/technology/2005/05/16/cx_de_0516match.html

WereVerse Universe Baby!

King Kong vs. Titano

Battle of the Giant Apes

There is no preparation.

Both opponents have been suddenly teleported to a gladiatorial amphitheater surrounded by a force field.

King Kong vs.  Titano

Titano is a giant ape with Kryptonite vision that used to battle Superman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titano).

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Superman Haiku

Superman, swoosh, bam, pow

A blur of red cape, blue tights

Green Kryptonite glows

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The Lone Ranger vs. other Fictional Gun Slingers

Lone Ranger vs. Jessy Wales – Josey Wales(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Outlaw_Josey_Wales) carries like fifty hand guns!  The Lone Ranger keeps shooting guns out of the hands of Josey but he just keeps pulling out more guns until he riddles the Lone Ranger. 

Lone Ranger vs. Marshall Matt Dillon – Matt Dillon (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marshal_Matt_Dillon) gives the Lone Ranger a big smile.  The Lone Ranger smiles back.  Onlookers are blinded by the brilliance of their smiles and if sun glasses had been invented they would surely put them on.  They end up having beer at the saloon and swap law man stories and Miss Kitty wonders what the Lone Ranger looks like under his mask.

Lone Ranger vs. Zorro – The Lone Ranger used to be a Texas Ranger (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lone_Ranger).  The Texas Rangers were in the past used to keep the Mexicans down and were called los Diablos Tejanos (Texas Devils) by the Mexicans.  This is no longer the case, well I hope it is no longer the case, but this is a side of Texas history that must be acknowledged.  The Lone Ranger has no patience with uppity Latinos.  Zorro pulls out his sword and the Lone Ranger says sarcastically, “Heh, isn’t that just like a wetback. Brings a sword to a gun fight!” and shoots Zorro dead.  No, no, no!  Ten points if you can figure out what movie I parodied the line from.  Answer at the bottom of this post.

 

The Lone Ranger is not an actual ex- Texas Ranger of that time but a sanitized version of the Wild, Wild West.  The Lone Ranger senses that despite Zorro’s swarthy looks, the fact that he is wearing black, and bad guys always wear black, is wanted by the Mexican authorities and wearing a mask, is in fact a good guy.  Tonto later becomes upset when Zorro explains that Tonto means stupid in Spanish and leaves the Lone Ranger.  Zorro replaces Tonto as a partner of the Lone Ranger and the show emphasizes Anglo/Hispanic unity and the evil word wetback is never ever used.  Disney makes like a zillion dollars from this idea and this humble blogger doesn’t even get a free 3-Day Disney pass.

 

Lone Ranger vs. Jonah Hex – Jonah Hex (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonah_Hex) kills the Lone Ranger no problem.  Jonah Hex is the ultimate Western survivor and he doesn’t take prisioners!  I write about Jonah Hex in another post as  well (https://foxhugh.wordpress.com/2009/02/13/dc-vs-marvel-western-heroes/)

 

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