Daily Archives: May 19, 2008

King Kong vs. Titano

Battle of the Giant Apes

There is no preparation.

Both opponents have been suddenly teleported to a gladiatorial amphitheater surrounded by a force field.

King Kong vs.  Titano

Titano is a giant ape with Kryptonite vision that used to battle Superman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titano).

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Superman Haiku

Superman, swoosh, bam, pow

A blur of red cape, blue tights

Green Kryptonite glows

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What if Date 3: Charlotte of “Sex and the City” dates George of “Seinfeld”.

Charlotte (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_York) is set up for a blind date with George Costanza (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Costanza) by Elaine Benes of Seinfeld (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elaine_Benes).  George tells Charlotte that he will be wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap and a green jacket.  Charlotte spots George a block away and is shocked to see that George is so fat.  Charlotte calls George and explains how her cat has died, she has the flu, was in a car accident, whatever, and won’t be on their date or any date for quite a while.

 

Fast forward to fifty years in the future, George is on his death bed.  George became obsessed with figuring out who the heck Carrie was after Seinfeld died.  Charlotte was in Paris training Bulgarian gals how to be high class mistresses, not hookers, during the flood.  As Charlotte likes to tell her girls, “Any girl can give great sex but great sex and great manners and culture makes you the mistress not just another girlfriend.  Elaine has changed a lot since her younger days.  

She is thrice divorced is quite wealthy due to her divorce settlements and even wealthier due to her particular type of “charm” school. Charlotte now considers love to be a weakness that should be exploited by women since men are total jerks.  She arrives at the last minute.  Charlotte has heard about how George has been trying to find out about Carrie through mutual third parties.  Charlotte feels guilty about the blind date and figure she can now erase that particular sin. 

Charlotte tells George the whole convoluted story as she heard it from Carrie before she died.  George asks Charlotte if she will grant a dying man a final request. Elaine agrees.  George asks for a kiss.  Charlotte slaps George and storms out of the apartment.  George dies and goes to a special limbo for neurotics who aren’t really evil but will drive the rest of the inhabitant’s nuts if allowed into heaven eternally.

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What if Date 2: Carrie of “Sex and the City” dates Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerry_Seinfeld_%28character%29) rarely reads any part of the newspaper but the funnies but happens to flip past Carrie’s (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carrie_Bradshaw) column and finds it hilarious.  He then sees her picture on the side of a bus in New York and thinks pretty and funny!  Seinfeld asks Elaine, with her many contacts in the New York publishing scene, to get Carries number.  Turns out that Elaine is friends with Carrie and thinks they would be a good couple.  Carrie and Seinfeld meet in an upscale restaurant in upper Manhattan.  They make fun of all the patrons in the restaurant and then proceed to make fun of all the dishes as well.  They take a stroll through Central Park and Carrie takes out a cigarette and lights up.  Seinfeld cuts the date short.  The idea of kissing the mouth of a smoker sickens him.  Seinfeld never calls Carrie again.  Carrie obsesses about Seinfeld for about a week before moving onto a new boy toy.  She consoles herself with the thought that he really wasn’t all that good looking even if he was funny. 

 

Fast forward to forty years in the future, Seinfeld is on his death bed.  Kramer mentions that he has taken up smoking again because there are these new cigarettes that are totally safe and he is going to make a mint selling them.  Seinfeld thinks of Carrie the smoker and says “Carrie” before he dies.  At the funeral none of the remaining gang can figure out who the heck Carrie was.  Elaine can’t help the gang figure out who Carrie is since she drowned in the Great New York Flood of 2020 due to the melting polar ice caps.  Ironically, Carrie died in the same flood trying to save her shoes from getting wet rather than going to shelter.

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What if Date 1: Joey of “Friends” dates Samantha of “Sex and the City”.

Friends and Sex and the City are the two top sitcoms set in New York City.  Each show has their acknowledged sex expert.  Joey goes after anything in a skirt.  Samantha goes after anything in pants.  The meeting of these two sexual volcanoes is bound to happen.  Joey and Samantha meet at a hot bar in New York.  They look at each other’s eyes and fall madly in lust and do the dirty deed several times actually.  Their chi is just too strong for birth control to handle and Samantha ends up having twins by Joey.  The twins are one boy and one girl.  The Twins grow up to be right wing, Christian, conservatives. They rail against the decadence of New York and start a cult in Waco, Texas.

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The Lone Ranger vs. other Fictional Gun Slingers

Lone Ranger vs. Jessy Wales – Josey Wales(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Outlaw_Josey_Wales) carries like fifty hand guns!  The Lone Ranger keeps shooting guns out of the hands of Josey but he just keeps pulling out more guns until he riddles the Lone Ranger. 

Lone Ranger vs. Marshall Matt Dillon – Matt Dillon (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marshal_Matt_Dillon) gives the Lone Ranger a big smile.  The Lone Ranger smiles back.  Onlookers are blinded by the brilliance of their smiles and if sun glasses had been invented they would surely put them on.  They end up having beer at the saloon and swap law man stories and Miss Kitty wonders what the Lone Ranger looks like under his mask.

Lone Ranger vs. Zorro – The Lone Ranger used to be a Texas Ranger (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lone_Ranger).  The Texas Rangers were in the past used to keep the Mexicans down and were called los Diablos Tejanos (Texas Devils) by the Mexicans.  This is no longer the case, well I hope it is no longer the case, but this is a side of Texas history that must be acknowledged.  The Lone Ranger has no patience with uppity Latinos.  Zorro pulls out his sword and the Lone Ranger says sarcastically, “Heh, isn’t that just like a wetback. Brings a sword to a gun fight!” and shoots Zorro dead.  No, no, no!  Ten points if you can figure out what movie I parodied the line from.  Answer at the bottom of this post.

 

The Lone Ranger is not an actual ex- Texas Ranger of that time but a sanitized version of the Wild, Wild West.  The Lone Ranger senses that despite Zorro’s swarthy looks, the fact that he is wearing black, and bad guys always wear black, is wanted by the Mexican authorities and wearing a mask, is in fact a good guy.  Tonto later becomes upset when Zorro explains that Tonto means stupid in Spanish and leaves the Lone Ranger.  Zorro replaces Tonto as a partner of the Lone Ranger and the show emphasizes Anglo/Hispanic unity and the evil word wetback is never ever used.  Disney makes like a zillion dollars from this idea and this humble blogger doesn’t even get a free 3-Day Disney pass.

 

Lone Ranger vs. Jonah Hex – Jonah Hex (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonah_Hex) kills the Lone Ranger no problem.  Jonah Hex is the ultimate Western survivor and he doesn’t take prisioners!  I write about Jonah Hex in another post as  well (https://foxhugh.wordpress.com/2009/02/13/dc-vs-marvel-western-heroes/)

 

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What if Comics 1: The Saga of Bouncing Boy

Bouncing Boy is a member of the Legion of Superheroes of the 25th Century in the DC Universe (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bouncing_Boy). 

Bouncing Boy drank some super plastic because he thought the drink was a soft drink and gained the power to become a giant bouncing ball.  This is not even the lamest super power for a member of the Legion of Superheroes.  I think this honor belongs to Matter-Eater Lad (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matter-Eater_Lad) who can eat any form of matter.  Mostly he eats the bars of the cell when you need to get away.  He also eats blasters but why doesn’t he get killed approaching the guy with the blaster and isn’t a martial arts move a much better way to disarm someone than to grab the blaster and start eating it?  At least Bouncing Boy can dodge blasters and slam against opponents with enough force to knock them out.  Bouncing Boy also has some immunity to electricity since he’s not grounded when in the air and showed this ability when helping Saturn Girl against a bad guy with electric mitts on his first mission. Bouncing Boy is arguably the first super hero who is fat and not a parody like Herbie, who was the Fat Fury.  Blue Beetle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Beetle) of the International Justice League would be the second fat super hero almost 30 years later and he just had a paunch versus being truly fat like Bouncing Boy.

 

Nevertheless, Bouncing Boy is the butt of many jokes among comic book circles.  I propose a mini-series to restore the honor of Bouncing Boy!

 

Issue 1 – Bouncing Boy vs. Galactus.  The Legion of Super Heroes tries to stop Galactus from eating a world and is defeated.  Bouncing Boy is the last man standing and decides to go ahead and attack Galactus despite there is no chance he will prevail  Bouncing Boy has shown this gumption before and once fought the fearsome Earth Quake Beast and defeated the monster by accident.  The beast was basically a brontosaurus with tail that could vibrate and cause earthquakes and heck even without the tail who messes with a brontosaurus?  So Bouncing Boy is one gutsy boy!

 

Galactus finds the attack by Bouncing Boy humorous and turns Bouncing Boy into his jester.  Galactus has had heralds in the past so why not a jester?  Galactus does have a sense of humor and laughed when Hercules tried to get him drunk in the second mini-series of Hercules in the eighties.

 

Issue 2 – Bouncing Boy and the Cosmic Cube.  Galactus underestimates Bouncing Boy, and we can certainly understand why, and while bouncing around the ship of Galactus, Bouncing Boy chances on a Cosmic Cube (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cosmic_Cube)  that Galactus was creating for experimental purposes.  This experimental Cosmic Cube lacks the nasty side effect of gaining consciousness and turning on its master.  The Cosmic Cube gives the user absolute mastery over reality for an area about the size of a Earth sized planet and without the nasty side effect would be one heck of a tool.  Bouncing Boy absorbs the power of the cosmic cube and becomes Cube!  Rejecting his former roundness he becomes the opposite.

 

Issue 3 – Revenge of the Nerds on a Cosmic Scale.  Bouncing Boy, now Cube, goes from planet to planet and makes the nerds into heroes and the heroes into nerds.  The entire DC and Marvel Pantheon of Heroes is mobilized to fight him but he defeats them.

 

Issue 4 – Cosmic Justice.  Galactus allies himself with the Watcher to get his former jester under control.  The Watcher assembles Death, High Father and Shazam to fight Cube and Cube is defeated.  Cube is relegated to his former role as a jester for Galactus but while pretending subservience thinks to himself that he will bide his time but one day he will rule the universe.  This allows for a second Bouncing Boy mini-series if the first one does well.  Now here’s the kicker all the comics are round!  & A mandala type panel structure is used (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandala)!  Arrows guide the reader from panel to panel!  Maybe different artists submit different mandalas.  Maybe put the whole mini-series in one magazine sized comic book or maybe even bigger.

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