Funeral Crashing Rules

Funeral Crashing Rules by Hugh Fox III

1) Wedding crashing rules don’t apply to funeral crashing.

Wedding crashing is attending a wedding without an invitation.  Since funerals do not require an invitation there should not be such a thing as funeral crashing.  However, because of the movie Wedding Crashers in which the motive of wedding crashing is to meet girls, the concept of going to funerals to meet girls is now referred to as funeral crashing and this behavior is part of the movie.

Weddings are a party.  Funerals are a duty.  Funeral crashing is much, much easier logistically than wedding crashing.  Weddings are expensive affairs and exclusive.  People have spent thousands of dollars for the wedding and don’t want people who don’t belong.  Funerals are “bare bones” affairs when it comes to refreshments, pun intended.  Your presence costs the person(s) having the funeral almost nothing.  No one wants to die alone!  A sparsely populated funeral is also distressing to the family.  No one wants low attendance at a funeral.  In the past mourners, in some places, were hired to attend funerals.  You are much, much more welcome at a funeral than a wedding.

Don’t use an alias as is suggested for wedding crashing but instead befriend the elderly.  You only need an alias if you are doing something wrong.  Do something right instead!  The simplest way to get invited to funerals is to do volunteer work at a nursing home! Do a good job as a volunteer and see funeral crashing as a well earned reward for all your efforts.

You need to focus on the elderly that look like they are going to die soon and have attractive younger relatives.   You can figure out who is going to die by talking with the staff at a nursing home.  Staff at a nursing home does know who is going to die next!  Asking staff that about who is going to die will seem ghoulish so couch your inquiries in the guise of concern about the health of the elderly at the nursing home.  This handles the problem of finding elderly that are going to die soon so you can crash their funeral.  Now you need to weed out the soon to be deceased who have attractive relatives versus those who do not.

When you entertain an elderly person at a nursing home go straight to the photo album.  The elderly love to take a trip down memory lane with their photo album so this should not be a problem.  If the most attractive female relative is unlikely to attend the funeral of the elderly friend due to distance or lack of closeness to your elderly friend then move on to a second elderly target and so on and so on. Funeral crashing target acquisition is an art and you need to be good at spotting photos that are photo shopped and/or out of date.  How the, would be, target looks in a photo album and in real life can be two different things.  Get to the photo album early on so as not to waste time on an elderly friend that has no worthwhile targets at their funeral.

Dump the wedding crashing wing man and go solo for funeral crashing!  The only reason you need a wing man for wedding crashing is to establish credibility because you are using an alias and no one recognizes you.  Not only will everyone at the funeral know who you are but you will have a reputation as the fine young man who helps old people!

You can’t trust other people, even wing men, with the delicate task of funeral crashing.  Funeral crashing is even more taboo than wedding crashing.  For various reasons people think that taking advantage of human weakness at a funeral for sexual pleasure is not a nice thing to do to women!  Never, ever tell anyone what you are up to.  Stick to your cover story that you care about the elderly and have no ulterior motives no matter what.  Only a mind reader can say you have ulterior motives in the case of funeral crashing done correctly.  The truth is that if you follow the rules of this article then you will never be challenged.

Use social media.  Do set up a Facebook account for your elderly “friend” if the elderly friend doesn’t have one and then get the elderly friend to friend you and then you can in turn friend the primary target.  You can also use traditional media to get as much information about the primary target as possible.  Print media may have professional information and especially academic information such as publications by the primary target that will be useful in creating rapport with the primary target.

When the elderly friend dies then you can send a message to the primary target via Facebook offering condolences.  This establishes a relationship before the funeral has even started.  At the funeral tell the primary target that the elderly friend talked about her all the time.  The favorite topic of all humans is themselves and this is especially true of women.  The target will be curious about what the elderly friend said about her and of course this was all complimentary and insightful.  You are offering her insight to the target about herself from a wise old person from beyond the grave!  The better your narrative, the more likely you will score later.  Do spend time writing a two page story of her as told by the common elderly friend.  The elderly friend of course saw heroic qualities in the target that no one else saw and never expressed her thoughts to the target while she was alive!  All women think they are heroines in a soap opera at some level and confirming this suspicion means that she will want to be around you to hear the whole story.

I recommend using a monomyth structure.  From Wikipedia, “Joseph Campbell’s monomyth, or the hero’s journey, is a basic pattern that its proponents argue is found in many narratives from around the world. This widely distributed pattern was described by Campbell in The Hero with a Thousand Faces (1949). An enthusiast of novelist James Joyce, Campbell borrowed the term monomyth from Joyce’s Finnegans Wake.  Literary skills will help with this narrative.  Writing a poem or song about a woman is one thing but an epic saga of her life is much more interesting for the target.

I have a basic monomyth template that I use and I then fill in the blanks as needed.  Never, ever let anyone get a hold of your template!  This is a top secret document.  If you say the story orally then you will naturally vary the story from target to target as you improvise.  If the target ever gets a copy of the template or even the completed template then she will realize that something is up.  You can always claim the completed template was written for her and was going to be a present in the future.  The incomplete template is harder to explain.  If two different targets can compare their completed templates then you will stand revealed as a funeral crasher.  A paper copy of the monomyth template is a bad idea.  Store your template on your smart phone where you can refer to it in the toilet as needed.  Make sure your smart phone has up to date data security features.

You can store your template on Google Drive so now the target has to get past your cell phone password followed by your online user name and password.  You may want to create a totally separate Google account for funeral crashing.  Do not store your template on the hard disk drive of your computer since women do like to snoop and are increasingly computer literate.

Wedding crashing is a shotgun approach for pretty boys.  Funeral crashing is a sniper approach for literate intellectuals.  The vast majority of attendees at a funeral will be old and not suitable targets as opposed to a wedding with all those bride maids.  You need to target selectively at a funeral.  Now if a target of opportunity happens to show up to the funeral well then blast away but realize you won’t have the advantage of the monomyth that is a key part of successful funeral crashing.

2) Understand the five stages of grief.

The five stages of grief are (1) Denial, (2) Anger, (3) Bargaining, (4) Depression, and (5) Acceptance.  When the primary target loses a grandmother or grand aunt or whatever then she will be in one of the five stages of grief.  You want to be one stage behind the primary target.  That way the primary target can console you by understanding what you feel.  The fact that the primary target understands your feelings and is helping you out will bring out her maternal instinct and she is more likely to hug you when you cry.  Women are at their most sexual in stages (2) Anger and (4) Depression. An angry woman is sexual to vent her anger.  A depressed woman is sexual to feel alive.    The sex will be hotter if she is in stage 2, anger but sex is more likely if she is in stage 4, depression.  Either way, she is primed for the crying jag to grope session (CJTGS) that is dealt with in the next section of this essay.

3) Understand the mechanics of CTGS.

The first step to successful CTGS is successful crying!  Great actors dredge up sad memories in order to cry.   Mediocre actors use the staring method.  The staring method as the name suggests consists of staring until moisture gathers in your eyes that seem like tears.  Last but not least, you can use menthol to cause your eyes to water.  You will need to visit the rest room to use the menthol but people often go to the rest room to hide their tears so this makes perfect sense.  You can use the same break to look up the targets monomyth on your cell phone.

Crying is not just tears.  Watch great actors crying and study how they cry.  You want to develop macho crying.  You are filled with grief but are holding your grief inside.  One or two tears show up and you do not acknowledge them but your body language tells a different story.

You don’t want to cry in public.  You want to slowly lure the primary target from the crowd while using tidbits of the monomyth about her to lure her to some other part of the funeral home and then cry. Basically you are a bard using modern psychology to lure the damsel into your castle.   Funeral crashers need monomyths as well.  You have a choice of many rooms in a funeral parlor.  There should be more than one chapel.   You could use a chapel that is not in use but chapels are a bad idea since the religious overtones cause the target to experience guilt in many cases.  Guilt on the part of the target can interfere with the CJTGS process.  A funeral parlor will have at least one lounge.  The problem is that lounges are busy places and you never know who will interrupt your CJTGS.  Funeral parlors also generally have more than one reception area.  You best bet is to pay attention to the funeral parlor schedule and try to get her into a reception area that is not being used during the period of your target funeral.  The reception area resembles a very tasteful living room and will have at least one plush sofa that can be used as part of the CJTGS process.  When you start crying then the primary target will try to comfort you by hugging you and that’s when you slowly but surely start touching other parts of her anatomy so grief turns into sexual arousal.  Again if she is in the anger or depression state of grief sexual arousal is more likely but in general humans respond to grief by looking for intense pleasure whether it be alcohol, drugs or sex.  You are there to provide sex to the target when she really needs it!

Another place for turning a crying jag into a sexual situation is behind a mausoleum with a good view at the cemetery rather than the funeral parlor.  The mausoleum is harder to get to but more privacy is available and the chances of being interrupted are much lower.  The front of a mausoleum looks like a mausoleum and this is creepy.  The back looks like a wall.  A mausoleum back that faces a lake, and/or forested area can seem to be like a park rather than a graveyard.  Going into the mausoleum is just too creepy.  As you do more and more funeral crashing, you will get to know the geography of the various graveyards and will be able to find the perfect area for CJTGS with the primary target.  You are looking for a place that is isolated and picturesque in the cemetery.

You will probably not get to third base at the funeral home or the cemetery but given that you are probably already Facebook friends, you can contact the primary target and pretend that you want to just talk at someplace nice like a restaurant so that the two of you can deal with your grief together.  Obviously your place or her place is better than a restaurant.  Again, humans often use sex to distract themselves from grief.  You have already set up the ground work during the CJTGS at the funeral or cemetery so if she comes to your place or you go to her place then there is a very high probability that the relationship will be consummated.  Grief is fleeting so the window of opportunity for turning grief into sex is a limited one so too many talks at a restaurant i.e. dates may mean less sexual opportunity.  On the other hand, the common experience of the funeral, and you narrating her, very own, personal monomyth, is very powerful and may lead to a more serious relationship in the long run.

You can be a seven and get an eight via wedding crashing.  Generally you can only get a girl half a point higher than your own score under normal circumstances so wedding crashing has its advantages.  The party atmosphere of a wedding aids your stalking but ignores female psychology.  Funeral crashing is a more precise and more powerful type of stalking and a six might be able to get a nine as a wife using the techniques outlined in this essay!

According to John Gray in Venus and Mars on a Date, women go from emotional intimacy to sexual intimacy as opposed to men who go from sexual to emotional intimacy.  The funeral crashing system uses intense emotional intimacy to go towards sexual intimacy.  Extremely attractive women become inured to sexual advances and faux emotional approaches that are too general to be effective.  Extremely attractive women are being hit on all the time and making advances at a wedding gives you an only marginal advantage.  If you are average looking and want a nine, tens only exist in movies, then you will need an extra precise approach.  You need to be more intelligent and patient using the funeral crashing system than the wedding crashing system but the ultimate rewards make this system more worthwhile than wedding crashing.

One final cautionary note, if you find your future spouse via funeral crashing then you will probably find a mate that is considerably more attractive physically than you would have minus a stalking system.  Whatever you do never, ever, tell the primary target about your funeral crashing system.  Even if you are married thirty years then this has to be a deep dark secret you take to the grave if you want to stay married.

Hugh Fox III - Big Bright Bold

You can also download my autobiography of my struggle with a bipolar condition on  Am I Kitsune on my Google Drive.

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2 responses to “Funeral Crashing Rules

  1. funny stuff

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