Daily Archives: January 18, 2023

White Zombie in Pattaya

Fuchs gets up from his bed and goes to the kitchen table.  His studio apartment in a mess.  Beer cans and cigarette butts litter the floor. Fuchs is a German living in Pattaya, Thailand.  Fuchs goes to his computer and looks up how man Euros from his pension have been deposited into his account at Krungthai, a Thai bank and thinks his account his pretty low but enough for his needs in Thailand.  Fuchs looks at the clock on the wall and notices its 10 am and decides to grab a beer from the fridge as has been his custom for several years now.  Fuch then pops a ketamine and double clicks on the MTV icon of Hollywood Undead – Day of the Dead on his computer and starts to dance. The music wakens a Thai prostitute in his bed and as she struggles to get up Fuch tosses her clothes at her and tells her to get the f-ck out. 

The prostitute gently asks Fuch to take a shower in a sing song voice. 

Fuch responds, “I am not wasting water on a whore like you b-tch” says Fuch as he continues to dance alone. 

Almost absent mindedly Fuch adds “And your blow job sucks, get it sucks, pun intended”. 

The prostitute shrugs her shoulders. The whore puts on her bra and panties and then jeans and T-Shirt.  The T-Shirt sports a Hollywood – Day of the Dead logo by coincidence. 

“Hey hold on and take of the pants and panties”, Fuch yells. 

“I want a wide-open beaver shot of your pussy”, Fuch adds. 

“Ok lover but ten bucks”, answers the prostitute. 

“Ok spread your legs and spread your pussy lips so I can get a shot of the pink between your brown pussy with my camera”. 

The prostitute obliges and even giggles and asks “Why do farang men always want pictures of Thai pussy?”. 

“It’s proof we fucked a Thai woman” responds Fuch. 

“Hey congrats, you are picture 10,000” adds Fuch. 

“I have been in Thailand ten years so that’s 1,000 Thai women I have fucked each year I have been in Thailand” Fuch further comments. 

“I am a fuck machine” said Fuch proudly to no one in particular. 

Fuch copies the picture from the camera to his lap top and arranges places it in the folder marked Pussy and the subfolder 2022.  Fuch thinks. Fuch makes a mental note to get tested for STDs but decides against it since Fuch generally gets hand jobs since he can’t get hard enough for penetrative sex and you can’t get STDs from hand jobs or so Fuch reasons. Fuch had been married in the US but the wife divorced him after getting fired for being drunk and yelling at his boss and then Fuch started drinking every day not just on the weekends like when he worked and impotence followed.  The wife stated she could put up with a drunk or a man without money but not a broke, drunk that was impotent.

Fuch thinks, “American women are bitches and who needs them!”.

“Anyways it’s about the pics at this point not actual sex”, Fuch reasons to himself. Then Fuch starts to cry.

“Geez 10,000 wife open beaver shots are my biggest accomplishment in life?” Fuch thinks to himself.  Fuch’s one big regret is that he never got any wide-open beaver shots of his wife since she wouldn’t let him take nudes of her period.

“American women! Fuck em or rather don’t fuck em”, thinks Fuch.

Fuch looks at photos of his family in the USA to cheer him up but seeing the family photos just makes him more depressed and causes him to shed tears over the keyboard.  Not wanting to short circuit, the lap top with his tears, Fuch closes the lap top and tells the lap top that she is his best friend.

“You are a better machine than the Thai whores”. Fuch mumbles to the computer lovingly between sobs.

Fuch gets a bottle of cheap Thai whiskey out of the cupboard and takes a long swig and then adds a dollop to a day-old Star Bucks coffee he has in the fridge.

“Well, I bet I have fucked more women than anyone I knew in high school or the US period and that has to count for something” thinks Fuch. 

Fuch posts the picture on a social media website like Facebook not Facebook but specifically built specifically for sexpats in Asia.  He adds the pic to his online photo album with the comment “My 10,000th piece of ass in Asia and I have the photos to prove it”.  Almost immediately congrats start pouring in.  The comments include “you are the man”, “congrats on good hunting” and tons of comments from his followers in the USA stating that they can’t wait to move to Pattaya and join him.  Fuch considers himself lucky for living in a male paradise for ten years but feels empty.  Fuch pops a beer and the warm feeling of the beer flooding his stomach makes up for the emptiness.  Fuch turns around and the Thai prostitute is gone.  “Well saves me the trouble of kicking her out and plenty more prozis to take her place and I got the pic as proof I banged her even if I can’t remember what we did last night”, Fuch says to himself.

The Thai prostitute climbs down the stairs, the elevator is broken and says to herself says “Today I go to temple and make merit.  My baby needs money for school”. 

Fuch continues to dance by himself.  Fuch looks in the mirror and pats his huge paunch and comments, “At least the monkeys make good food even if they suck at sucking” and laughs at his own joke.

Fuch ambles down the stairs and heads to an outdoor bar around the corner.  A stray Siamese cat meows for food and Fuch tries to kick the Siamese cat and misses and falls on his back.

“So much for those free Muay Thai lessons” thinks Fuch.   Fuch sits down and a bar girl brings him a bottle of Chang which he grabs and begins to chug. 

At the beer garden, the beer garden waitress serves him a beer since Fuch comes regularly and she knows what he drinks says, “How about some whiskey to chase it down”.  The beer garden waitress has noticed that Fuch is more generous with tips on whisky and beer than just beer so she always tries to sell some whisky.

Fuch tips his head to the side and tells the bar girl, “Yeah a whisky and how about a joint”. 

The bar girl looks at him angrily and says “Whiskey Ok but no joint.  You can buy here but have to smoke in private.  That’s the law”.

Fuch responds angrily, “This is Pattaya and Farang pay the bills not Thais so I will smoke a joint anywhere, anytime or I go to another beer garden forever”. 

The bargirl shrugs and reasons that Fuch is a regular and the cops never come down this soi anyway and brings back a shot glass of whisky and a joint.  The beer garden buys the joint from a weed store around the corner and makes a small profit delivering it to patrons of the beer garden that are too lazy to go to the weed store.  Fuch smokes the joint with one hand and pours the whiskey into the glass of beer with the other hand and mixes the beer and the whiskey with a spoon expertly. 

“Why do you mix the beer and whisky” asks the bar girl. 

“The beer tastes better with a little whisky.  Chang tastes like horse piss otherwise.  Farang know how to make beer unlike the stupid Thais”, answers Fuch in a loud angry voice.

“At least Chang is cheap even its not as good as Western beers and beer alone no longer gets me buzzed” thinks Fuch.

A hippie friend of Fuch sits at the table and they share the joint.  Fuch mentions that he took his 10,000th wide open beaver shot and the hippie says, “Let’s celebrate but am a little short on cash so do you mind buying the next round?”. The hippie knows from experience Fuch is generous when on whisky and weed and will pay for all the rounds.

“I guess being alone is less lonely when high.  Gee I am philosopher” reasons the hippy.

Fuch is in a celebratory mood and readily tells the hippy the drinks are on him no problem.  Fuch eyes a gorgeous Thai gal at the bar that Fuch calls has named Princess. Princess only drinks with handsome, young barang and asks five times the normal price to sleep with a patron or so Fuch has heard from the hippy.  Fuch give Princess the once over and Princess catches Fuch and looks at him with disgust and turns away.

“Well Princess looks good from behind.  Great ass”, think Fuch.

Fuch thinks to himself, “That’s what is great about Pattaya, always someone to drink with”.

Fuch and the hippie talk about times they got so drunk they can’t remember anything the next morning in Thailand. Fuch mentions he thinks he got a blow job last night but isn’t sure but says there was a woman in his bed so hopefully he got one. 

The Hippie laughs and makes a toast, “Here’s to the good life in Pattaya”. 

Fuch responds, “Yeah, and may we live forever”. 

Various beer garden bar girls approach them and Fuch waves them off and realizes with horror that he has shit in his pants. Fuch thinks that the drinking has really screwed up his body and the weed doesn’t help but reflects that you only live once well unless you believe in karma like the Thais.  Fuch describes himself as an atheist but mostly doesn’t care what happens after death.

The Hippie makes a grimace and says, “Man you shit in your pants again and stink. I am out of here”. 

The Hippie walks away and Fuck yells at the Hippie and states, “That’s the last time I share a joint with you”. 

Fuch goes to the restroom and takes of his pants and underwear and uses the bathroom soap to wash of the shit from his pants and underwear.  The smell of his own shit gets to Fuch and he rushes to the toilet to puke but misses the toilet and pukes on the floor next to the toilet.  Fuch cups some water from the bathroom sink and gargles the remaining puke out of his mouth. 

As Fuch leaves the toilet and heads to his table he passes a bargirl and tells her, “I left a little present for you”. 

The bar girl frowns and goes to the bathroom and emerges in a rage and yells. “You pig farang!  Go home farang”. 

Fuch smiles at her broadly showing off his yellow crooked teeth and says, “Pattaya is my home you slut”.

Fuch notices that the bouncers are staring at him angrily and decides to bounce.

Fuch wanders the streets of Pattaya and the girls approach him but the smell of vomit and shit makes them shy away and one tells Fuch to go home and take a shower. 

Fuch responds to one buxom prostitute, “I will if you take a shower with me baby”. 

The girl giggles and says, “Sure but you pay me double because of your stink. I clean you good like a baby, honey”. 

Fuch laughs and yells back, “I am too wasted to appreciate your charms beautiful” Fuch goes to a pub name Hotel California

Inside he sees a table with three Westerners that Fuch has gotten drunk with before. 

The trio says in unison, “Welcome to the Hotel California Fuch” and laugh at their own joke. 

Fuch again mention taking his 10,000th beaver shot and buys a round of drinks for the admiring trio that hug and shake his hand and compliment Fuch on his accomplishment.

A bearded Farang of the trio tells Fuch that he has a new combination drug for sale that will take him to the great beyond and beyond.

“A near death experience without the hassle of a trip to the hospital”, adds the bearded man.

“How much” asks Fuch.  The bearded man responds “A buck a pill.

Fuch says, “Give me six pills. I feel like celebrating ten happy years in Pattaya”. 

The bearded man gives Fuch six pills and Fuch swallows all six at once with a beer. 

The bearded man has a scared expression and says “F-ck you are only supposed to take one pill man”. 

Fuch laughs and says, “I have been taking drugs since middle school and can handle anything”. 

Fuch and the trio continue drinking beer and sharing a joint until Fuch starts to have a convulsive fit.  Fuch collapses on the floor.  The bar owner checks Fuch’s pulse and declares him dead. 

The bearded man says, “Geez I could end up in the Bangkok Hilton for getting Fuch killed.  I got an idea”

The trio loads the body of Fuch into a taxi and the taxi takes his to an eerie hut on the outskirts of Pattaya. 

The Bearded Man is greeted by an old man and the old man says, “I have been expecting you. I am what you would call a sorcerer.  Yes, I can revive your friend for a hundred bucks for his evil energy is strong and can attract a strong evil spirit to bond with him but he will be changed”. 

The bearded man asks, “Changed?  How?”. 

Your friend will be alive but not alive, in your language a zombie.” 

The bearded man scoffs and says “There is no such thing as zombies”, states the Thai sorcerer.

The Thai sorcerer answers, “Whatever you say.  Do we have a deal?”. 

The bearded man responds, “Well as long as I don’t end up in the Bangkok Hilton”. 

The Thai sorcerer smiles and beckons to the trio to place the body besides a fire in the backyard. The Thai sorcerer begins to dance and chant around the fire and the body of Fuch.  There is a Naga statue in the middle of the fire.

“The Farang are like the Naga in this cycle of existence that is soon to end and have been looking for a host for a long time” The Thai sorcerer tells the bearded man with a smile while taking a rest from the dancing.

The Thai sorcerer continues to chant and tattoos the chest of Fuch. The sorcerer explains that a spirit will enter using the tattoo as a gate and Fuch will become superhuman in some ways but less than human in other ways and the Thai sorcerer laughs. The trio takes the body of Fuch back to his apartment and dump his body. 

“Another farang dead of a drug overdose in his apartment, no one will even notice and heck he may wake up alive” the bearded man exclaims.

The trio laughs and the trio departs laughing and agree to keep on drinking but at another bar that also sells yaba. 

The bearded man exclaims “Yeah we need an upper after that depressing dance and tattooing”.

Before leaving the trio undresses Fuch and decide to throw his soiled clothes into the garbage downstairs. “Maybe a beggar needs some clothes” says the bearded man in a mocking tone.

The next morning Fuch wakes up in his bed naked. “Where are my clothes”.

Fuch then shrugs and decides how to start another day in paradise. Fuch smell himself and thinks he needs a shower.  While Fuch is in the shower he looks at his hands and notices that that his hands are grey and his nails are overgrown. Fuch runs to the bathroom mirror and thinks, “I look like shit”.  Fuch goes to his laptop and turns on the Hollywood Undead – Day of the Dead MTV again but instead of dancing starts smashing his apartment up like a man possessed and lights a candle and stares at the flames and sees a demon dancing in the candle light. 

Fuch turns of the MTV and starts breathing deeply but rapidly and exclaims, “What the f-ck. I am seeing things.  I must still be high from the pills last night”.

Fuch begins to get dressed and ambles down the stairs.  Fuch sees the Siamese cat that he tried to kick the day before and the cat growls and jumps onto his shoulder and begins to scratch the face of Fuch.

“Well time for a beer and a joint” thinks Fuch.

Fuch arrives at the outdoor bar and the same bar girl waits on him.  The bar girl exclaims you smell better but there is blood all over your face and hands him a towelette. Fuch wipes the blood of his face and then goes to the bathroom and looks at the bathroom mirror and is amazed that there are no wounds were the cats scratched him.  Fuch’s face is scratched up but when Fuch looks at his scratched face the wounds start to heal immediately.  Fuch looks at his bloody but healed face and shrugs. 

When Fuch exits the bathroom and returns to his table.  The Hippie is sitting at his table. 

“Hey I hear you died last night but here you are alive and well.  I guess I got the story wrong”, says the Hippie and starts laughing. 

Fuch responds, “Total blackout.  I just remember falling to the floor.  Well not the first time by any means” responds Fuch. 

“I have blacked out more times than I can count.  A screw it. Let’s get drunk problem.  Getting drunk is the mother of the solution to all problems”, responds the Hippie. 

Fuch looks at the Hippie strangely and suddenly feels a great hunger. Fuch begins by biting his hand.

The Hippie responds by “Saying hey I am hetero and not into S&M either not that there is anything wrong with homosexual S&M”. 

The hand of the Hippie starts to bleed due to the bit by Fuch and the sight of the blood drives Fuch into a frenzy and Fuch bites the throat of the Hippie and rips out the throat of the hippie fatally.  Blood spurts everywhere and the bargirl starts to scream. 

Fuch lurches towards Princess he eyed the day before but she runs out of beer garden yelling, “I don’t date cheap Charlie Farang idiot”.

Fuch yells at Princess, “I feel like some Thai food” but Princess is gone from the beer garden and Fuch goes after a much older and uglier bar girl.

Fuch rips out the throat of the bargirl with his teeth. The bouncer springs into action and splits the skull of Fuch with a machete from behind the bar.  Fuch pushes the two parts of his head together and his skull begins to heal and Fuch removes the machete and proceeds to cut up the patrons and eat their body parts. 

A policeman arrives on a motorcycle and draws his pistol and shoots Fuch but Fuch just shrugs of the bullets and uses the machete to cut up the policeman and pushes the policeman of his motorcycle.  Fuch rides in the motorcycle off while singing Hotel California at the top of his lungs.

Fuch then arrives at the Hotel California and barges through the doors.  The trio is sitting at the same spot as the night before. 

The bearded man then gives Fuch the six pills and gets up and hugs Fuch saying, “Glad you are all right.  You had us all worried man.” Fuch rips out the throat of the bearded man and starts eating his throat. 

One of the men of the trio says, “I have heard of the munchies the night after but this is wild”.  Fuch starts hacking at the patrons with his machete. One of the bar girls gives Fuch an Muay Thai kick to the stomach and manages to knock Fuch off his feet and runs out of the bar into the street yelling for help.  The bargirl manages to gather a crowd and the crowd goes after Fuch when he emerges from the bar with bats, sticks and stones but to no avail.  Fuch cannot be stopped.  An elderly Thai man yells to the crowd and says this is a Boramey created by Khmer magic and can only be stopped by chanting with heart.  We must chant the five precepts together.  The elderly man starts chanting:

Pânâtipâtâ Veramani Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi.
Adinnâdânâ Veramani Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi.
Kâmesu Micchâcârâ Veramani Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi.
Musâvâdâ Veramani Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi.
Surâ Mêraya Majja Pamâdatthânâ Verami Sikkhâpadam Samâdiyâmi

The assembled Thai crowd laughs at the old man and says one of the young girls says. “This is no time for chanting.  We need to burn this monster.”

One of the crowd members gets a can of gasoline and pours the gasoline on Fuch Another crowd sets Fuch on fire with a tossed cigarette. 

Fuch laughs and says, “I have been to hell and back.  Do you think your measly flame can stop me.  This man was evil beyond your understanding and as long as his evil burns brighter than your flame he will survive”. 

The girl that scoffed at the elderly man yells, “Well we tried gasoline maybe we should try chanting”.  The crowd makes a circle around Fuch and holds hands and starts chanting.  Now the flames catch on and Fuch starts burning until there is nothing but a charred body.  The elderly man states that the body must be chopped and thrown into the Nan River to be destroyed for sure.  The crowd starts chopping the body and a tuk-tuk driver offers to throw the remains into the Nan River.  The chopped remains start sinking into the Nana River.  The tuk-tuk driver and the bargirl drive off together.  The bargirl puts her face into the chest of the tuk-tuk driver and starts crying.  The tuk-tuk driver consoles the bar girl as best he can and she stops crying and looks at him and says,

“You are very brave and handsome.  How about a late dinner?  Killing farang monsters makes me hungry for some pad Thai.  The tuk-tuk driver looks at her and says, “My mother makes great pad Thai sauce and I am sure she would love to meet you”.  The girl, who is quite pretty, and the tuk-tuk driver who is quite handsome, ride of into the night.  There is a huge full moon.

The sorcerer appears at the spot at the Nan River the chopped, charred remains of Fuch were thrown and laughs an evil laugh and says, “You have been chopped, burned and tossed into the Nan river but the force of evil is strong and in you and I can bring you back stronger than ever”.  The sorcerer begins to laugh an evil laugh and begins to dance at the same time.