Bat-Mite and Mister Mxyzptlk are having yet another argument about who is better, Batman or Superman?
Bat-Mite states “Well you have to admit Batman has more interesting enemies”.
Mister Mxyzptlk responds, “Ok I will give you that. I am practically the only enemy supes has who has any style and I have to admit I like the Jokers moves. Man and that Catwoman, meowr! However, Superman has a better family”.
Bat-Mite, “Family?”
Mister Mxyzptlk, “Family is something the four dimensional observers created. The supporting cast but the really close supporting cast. The family is the opposite of the enemies but not just allies like the Justice League. It was a big Silver Age concept. Kind of soap opera meets superhero story. Oh and for the record we are both family members. You are part of the Batman family. I am part of the Superman family.
Bat-Mite, “Well I am friend of Batman but you are an enemy of Superman so you shouldn’t be part of his family.
Mister Mxyzptlk, “You know and I know I am so powerful that if I didn’t like supes then I could just clobber the guy. I just think supes gets bored and needs some mischief to stay sharp and Kurt Swan agrees. See I am in his picture of the Superman family.
Bat-Mite studies the picture and states, “Well if a creator says you are part of the Superman family then you are part of the Superman family.”
Mister Mxyzptlk, “I found this Bob Kane picture in my interdimensional library and the Batman family is a lot smaller in this picture but let’s go with the creators idea of the families. How about a contest between the two families but matched by category and of course the Silver age versions since it’s a Silver age idea?
Bat-Mite: “Ok!”
Mister Mxyzptlk, “Let’s start with the female version of the superheroes: Supergirl vs. Bat-Woman but I think a fight would be too boring. Supergirl is almost as powerful as Superman and Bat-Woman is not as smart as Batman so no way she carries around kryptonite in her utility belt just in case like Batman. How about a kissing contest!
Bat-Mite: “Oh that would be great!”
Mister Mxyzptlk causes Supergirl and Bat-Woman to appear in a stupor but with their sex appeal intact. Supergirl kisses both Bat-Mite and Mister Mxyzptlk and then Bat-Woman does the same. Bat-Mite faints after the kiss from Bat-Woman.
Mister Mxyzptlk, “Man that Batwoman is one hot chick. Maybe Supergirl will season with age but Bat-Woman has my vote.”
Bat-Mite, “I am in love with Bat-Woman. I was her publicity agent in Batman #133.
Mister Mxyzptlk, “I almost married Supergirl in Action #291. The families were practically incestous back in the Silver age.”
Bat-Mite, “Bat-Woman never interacted with Supergirl in the Silver age. However, since then there have been endless Supergirl/Batgirl team ups and below is the earliest one which is from the tail end of the Silver age.”
Mister Mxyzptlk, “Have you noticed how we met in the World’s Finest Comics #113 and 13 is a magic number and we are magic beings? Now let me point out that the girls meet in World’s Finest Comics #169! And we all know about girls and that number. Tell me this is all a coincidence! Ok next up the sidekicks, Jimmy Olsen versus Robin.
Mister Mxyzptlk causes Jimmy Olsen and Robin to appear in a stupor and get into a fight. Robin wins in less than ten seconds with one punch. The imps then try contest after contest and Jimmy Olsen loses to Robin in chess, hula hopping and even tiddlywinks. The imps scratch their heads to find something Jimmy Olsen can beat the boy wonder at and try more and more contests but finally give up since Jimmy just keeps losing and losing. Finally in desperation they try a drag queen contest and Jimmy Olsen wins handily. They are both sent away minus any memory of the incident.
Mister Mxyzptlk, “Robin has hotter legs but Jimmy was the better package overall! ”
Bat-Mite, “You know I have been reviewing the 5th dimensional database and Jimmy has gone in drag in Jimmy Olsen #67, Jimmy Olsen #84, Jimmy Olsen #95, Jimmy Olsen #159, and All-Star Superman #4! Maybe Fredric Wertham was on to something. Can you imagine, Robin was once stupid enough to team up with that loser Jimmy Olsen in World’s Finest Comics #141!”
Mister Mxyzptlk, “Ok battle of the father figures. Perry White vs. Commissioner Gordon. You know they once were turned evil by smelling a spilt formula and teamed up against Batman and Superman in World’s Finest Comics #159. Boy those Silver age stories got pretty crazy!”
Mister Mxyzptlk causes Perry White and Commissioner Gordon to show up in a mind control stupor and fight it out. Gordon pulls out his police special .38 and shoots Perry White cleanly between the eyes”
Mister Mxyzptlk, “Oops! Well fortunately five dimensional beings can easily fix such messiness. Ok battle of the dogs. Incredibly the Bat-Hound and Krypto never had any solo adventures in the Silver age but boy once Krypto got his own animated series in 2005 the Silver age super-pets like Bat-Hound came out of the woodwork. A really good article about super pets by a surprisingly smart 4-D being is at http://foxhugh.com/2010/01/20/dc-vs-marvel-battle-of-the-super-pets/ ”
Mister Mxyzptlk summons Krypto the Super-Dog and Ace the Bat-Hound and they are each given the illusion the other is a cat on the attack. Krypto tears Bat-Hounds head off.
Mister Mxyzptlk, “Well I guess Krypto wins that round. I will reattach poor Bat-Hounds head later. Batman has a smaller family than Superman and all Batman has left is Alfred and Batgirl. Batgirl was like in three issues and her appearance in the Bob Kane picture is a historical fluke. Alfred is not a sidekick like Robin but a partner. Does Superman even have any close partners besides Batman?
Bat-Mite, “I got it. Batman doesn’t really have a girlfriend like Lois Lane. I mean Vicki Vale never even got one solo story and Lois Lane got her very own comic book. I would argue that Lois Lane is more than just a girlfriend but a partner in that she helps Superman fight crime when not trying to uncover his secret identity.
Mister Mxyzptlk, “Hmmmm, Lois Lane versus Alfred the Butler? It’s not as clean as the other contests but I don’t see as we have much choice.
Mister Mxyzptlk summons Alfred and Lois Lane and a vicious fight ensues. Lois Lane knows the Kryptonian martial art of Klurkor. Alfred has combat experience in the trenches of WW I and is a boxer. Lois Lane is a woman and not as strong as Alfred but Alfred is a lot older and not as quick as Lois. Both have heart and guts! The fight lasts for hours. Blood flows freely and the imps are transfixed by the sheer brutality of the fight. Lois delivers amazing kicks but is matched almost blow by blow by Alfred’s powerful roundhouses and jabs. Both Lois and Alfred have had to be taken seriously by the likes of Superman and Batman and they did this by having courage and most of all never ever giving up. Alfred clutches his heart and dies of a heart attack. Bat-Mite and Mister Mxyzptlk look at each other guiltily.
Mister Mxyzptlk, “I think this was a really, really, really bad idea and I think we should erase this entire event from this continuity.
Bat-Mite: “I whole heartedly agree”
Both imps disappear to go wherever imps go to forget their guilty deeds. Vegas!
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