Hello Kitty vs. Godzilla

Godzilla was happily stepping on cars on the main boulevard of Shinjuku in Tokyo.  Godzilla loved Tokyo.  Mind you Godzilla wouldn’t want to live there.  Tokyo was much too noisy and polluted for that and he preferred to live in his underwater lair off the coast of California in the Pacific but he did love to come to Tokyo on holiday.  He loved the way the cars crunched under his feet.  He loved how the little humans ran left and right as he approached. 


Most of all, Godzilla loved the taste of Tokyo people.  Tokyo people were the tastiest people in the world and he had eaten people in every major coastal city in the world so he should know.  Godzilla theorized the reason Tokyo people were so tasty was their varied diet of excellent food from all over the world.  Godzilla considered himself a bit of a gourmet and was aware that Tokyo had supplanted Paris as the gastronomical capital of the world according to Michelin.  Tokyo people were the best fed people in the world so they ended up being the tastiest people in the world. It just made sense.  Godzilla especially liked a tasty salary man.  They lived at their desks and never exercised and had the softest meat in the world.  Only otaku had softer meat but you had to go all the way to Akihabara to get one of those guys and it just wasn’t worth the trip.


Godzilla went ahead and crashed into another building just for the fun of it and torched it with his breath for an extra bit of fun.  As the rubble exploded, Godzilla giggled.  The people below probably did not know Godzilla was giggling since his giggles were a type of roar but higher pitched than his normal roar.  Japanese planes strafed his body with machine gun fire as they flew by and it tickled and altogether was a pleasant sensation.  The missiles were another story and downright painful but he would be long gone before the command was given to use missiles in the middle of downtown Tokyo.  Japanese were fussy about collateral damage.  That’s another reason Godzilla loved Tokyo.  It took forever for the Japanese military to authorize the sort of hardware that could actually hurt him unlike the US.  The US military would hit him with missiles as soon as he emerged from the New York, harbor.  Collateral damage be dammed! 


“Let that idiot monkey King Kong hang around New York. Tokyo was the city for him”, thought Godzilla.  Actually Godzilla really liked King Kong even if he thought the guy was a bit dim.   Godzilla and King Kong would get together for a friendly wrestling match about once a year.  There weren’t all that many creatures Godzilla could wrestle with and had to admit King Kong was a pretty good wrestler.  Godzilla had superior lower body muscle but King Kong had the edge in upper body muscle which made the matches interesting.  It was a classic sumo body type versus boxer body type contest.


The main thing that spoiled their friendship was the fact that King Kong was a vegetarian and did not approve of eating humans.  More than once Godzilla had dangled a human in front of King Kong and yelled, “How can you know you don’t like humans if you have never eaten a human?  Eat just one and I will drop the subject forever.”  King Kong never budged and Godzilla invariably had to eat the human himself.  The vegetarian thing and King Kong’s penchant for climbing buildings rather than toppling them meant a night out on the town, any town, was pretty much out.  Godzilla did not particularly care for the Toho movie version of the relationship between himself and King Kong but also realized such films were for entertainment rather than documentaries.


Still wrestling with King Kong was good practice and fit into Godzilla’s plan to take on Ultraman in the near future.  In terms of muscle, Ultraman was built along the same lines as King Kong.  Ultraman had picked on a lot of buddies of Godzilla’s and Godzilla had decided that it was long past time to take that guy down a notch or two.  Alien monsters would come to visit Earth to say “hello” to Godzilla, maybe terrorize a city together and dine on a few humans, nothing serious, and Ultraman would go and pick a fight with his friends on the pretext they were there to invade Earth!  Godzilla was a patient monster and slow to anger but enough was enough.  Earth was starting to get a downright bad reputation in the area of hospitality among monsters in the universe because of Ultraman’s rudeness and something needed to be done and Godzilla was just the guy to do it. 


Kitty was in a tea house in Tokyo and was sitting in the seat next to the front window as was her custom.  Kitty was a people watcher.  Kitty had heard of Godzilla and his trips to Tokyo but had never been in Tokyo at the same time as Godzilla.  Kitty had arrived at Narita airport the night before from the US after her sad adventure with Snoopy and was still a little jet lagged but knew what she had to do.  She ordered a special package from the tea house.


Kitty walked resolutely towards Godzilla.  Kitty made her way through the crowd that was running away from Godzilla.  There was smoke, rubble and dust everywhere.  Kitty reflected that her outfit would be ruined since some of those smoke stains caused by burning grease and gasoline weren’t coming out no matter how many times you put the dress in the wash.  Godzilla saw a teeny, weenie little white fur ball approach him and was about to stomp on it but looked at the fur ball more closely and stopped.  The fur ball was impeccably dressed and had the cutest little bow.  The fur ball had two tiny dots for eyes.  Godzilla thought the fur ball was the cutest little thing he had ever seen!  The fur ball raised one arm straight up. 

Kitty was holding a package in the hand of her raised arm and said “Would you like some cookies?”

Godzilla had no idea what a cookie was but figured this cookie thing must be some sort of food and Godzilla was always open to new types of food.  Godzilla took the package, being extra careful to not accidently rip the fur balls arm out by the socket, and swallowed the package whole.  The package was very small but delicious!  This was the most delicious food Godzilla had ever had!  These cookie things were better than fish, better than people, heck they even tasted better than otaku! 

Godzilla said, “More”. 

Unfortunately “more” in Godzillian sounded like an especially ominous roar but somehow Kitty knew what Godzilla was saying.  Half the inhabitants of Sanrio Puroland, where Kitty lived, had some sort of speech impediment and Kitty had learned to pay attention to how they said things rather than what they said. 


Kitty got out her cell phone and called the Prime Minister of Japan and told him to send as many cookies as possible as soon as possible.  Kitty had no official standing in the Japanese government but Kitty did have a lot of influence and in Japan influence can be more important than formal authority.  Godzilla sat down and picked up the fur ball and brought her up to his face to look at her more closely.  Kitty smiled and Godzilla smiled back exposing his truly awesome teeth. 

Kitty said, “Would you like to be friends?” 

Godzilla nodded his head up and down.


Godzilla could actually understand Japanese pretty well since he loved to watch Japanese television.  Godzilla especially liked Japanese monster shows, even though you could tell the monsters were just guys in rubber suits known as kaiju in Japan. Also, the actors playing monsters never got how to destroy a city quite right.  Godzilla would often find himself yelling to the monster character on the TV, “Put your body into the building.  Don’t just use your arms. You could have destroyed that building with one blow instead of two or three if you did it correctly.  That’s it, that’s it use your tail more.” 


Godzilla’s biggest pet peeve about Japanese big monster shows were the totally unrealistic depiction of big monster dietary habits or rather the total lack of depiction of such dietary habits.  Being a big monster used up a ton of calories.  Destroying cities was one heck of a work out and used up even more calories.  Most big monsters nibbled on humans as they went about their work of destroying a city and this was never dealt with in Japanese monster flicks.  Godzilla did realize the Japanese monster movies were largely aimed at children and that the children might find humans being eaten alive upsetting.  Someday, Godzilla wanted to do a documentary of big monsters from the POV of the big monsters aimed at the adult market but wasn’t sure how to go about doing this.


US monster shows weren’t nearly as good as Japanese monster shows and had too many zombies, vampires and the like for his taste.  Heck he could step on a horde of zombies and vampires in his sleep.  Why make a big deal about such puny monsters? 


Godzilla realized humans had difficulty understanding his speech.  Godzilla just didn’t have the vocal cords for human speech and that had never bothered him before but now he wished he could talk to Kitty and tell her how cute she was.  Instead he used body language to make himself understood.  Unfortunately downtown Tokyo is pretty cramped for a guy like Godzilla and a lot of buildings were destroyed as Godzilla struggled to make himself understood.


Kitty soon realized that under his tough green, scaly, skin, Godzilla was a big softy.  Kitty told Godzilla that he could have lots of friends in Japan since the Japanese were basically very friendly people but he needed to stop eating the Japanese and destroying their cities.  Just then about 40 military trucks filled with cookies that had been commandeered from around the city arrived and began to unload box after box of every type of cookie imaginable.  Godzilla sat down, crushing most of Shinjuku Station in the process. 


Kitty showed Godzilla how to take the cookies out of their packaging.  Godzilla was amazed.  The cookies tasted even better without the cardboard and plastic!  This caused Godzilla to think how humans might be even tastier without their clothes but decided to keep this thought to himself and not tell Kitty.  In particular, the belts of policemen were filled with pieces of metal that were rough on his digestion and decided that in the future he would take an extra minute to prepare the humans correctly before eating them.  A couple of hours later and about ten tons of cookies later, even Godzilla’s mighty appetite was satiated.  Kitty had made a second phone call and ordered giant barrels of hot green tea  and Godzilla had washed down the cookies with a river of green tea.  Godzilla had never felt so comfortable in his life and lay down and in the process destroyed the rest of Shinjuku Station.


Godzilla slept more soundly than he had ever slept for about ten hours.  Kitty used the time to call and emergency meeting of the Japanese government and a plan was arrived at.  When Godzilla awoke, Kitty told Godzilla that he would be given the job of Official Cookie Taster of the Japanese Government!  Once a year he would arrive on a deserted island near Japan and eat tons and tons of cookies and decide which cookies were the best.  Of course the deal was contingent on Godzilla behaving and not terrorizing Tokyo or even visiting Tokyo, anymore and most especially, to stop eating Japanese people, no matter how tasty they were. 


During the meeting, the Prime Minister of Japan had started to say something about not capitulating to terrorism but Kitty just stared him down.  Kitty could make her eyes give off a laser like beadiness that was quite scary.  The Prime Minister thought about saying something about the total destruction of Shinjuku Station during their little tea party but decided to keep his mouth shut.  The Prime Minister had very low approval ratings and the last thing he needed was a public spat with Japan’s most beloved citizen.  Godzilla readily agreed to the deal. 


Godzilla was glad to do this little favor for his new friend Kitty.  Godzilla was actually pretty innocent in his own way and it never occurred to him that the job was a type of bribe.  Godzilla just assumed that the humans needed a cookie taster and he was the most qualified candidate for the job.  Godzilla had never had a job before and the novelty attracted him.  Godzilla agreed but only on one condition.  Kitty had to be there to help him taste the cookies.  Kitty was happy to meet this condition since she actually liked Godzilla and thought the stories she had heard about his ferocity were highly exaggerated and probably all due to a giant misunderstanding.  Kitty and Godzilla bowed to each other and Godzilla made his way to the port of Tokyo and the ocean to go home.  Before sinking into the waves, Godzilla waved goodbye and said, “Sayonara Kitty!  See you next year”. 

Kitty was very far away but could easily see a giant like Godzilla and waved back even though she doubted Godzilla could see her.  Kitty felt a little sad but really hated water and couldn’t even imagine living under the ocean.  Kitty looked forward to seeing Godzilla next year! 


Her cell phone buzzed and there was a mysterious text message about a visitor from America called Mickey, with a business proposal.  The text message was from her twin sister Mimmy.  After her bad experience with Snoopy, Kitty really didn’t want to bother with Americans at all.  She wondered what the message could be all about and started to organize her trip home.



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Hello Kitty vs. Godzilla

Hello Kitty vs. Godzilla

4 responses to “Hello Kitty vs. Godzilla

  1. Very funny… like deadpan style. What is Sanrio Puroland?

  2. Glad you like the style. Sanrio Puroland is an indoor theme park by the same people who gave the world Kitty. Basically like Disney Land but for Sanrio characters.

    Below is some more info:

    I am living in Japan and Sanrio Puroland is definetly on my list of places to go.

    Stay tuned for further posts using the same writing style. I plan to write:
    1) Godzilla vs. Ultraman
    2) Godzilla vs. Astroboy
    3) Godzilla vs. Hugh Gox
    4) Hello Kitty Meets Mickey Mouse
    6) Hello Kitty vs. Hugh Fox
    But who knows when, these posts take a lot more energy than people realize.

  3. Michaelinbrazil

    Loved your posts!

    I’m teaching in brazil what do you suggest is hte the better country in which to teach – Japan, Korea or Thailand? Heading back to the U.K. to see me mates and family and then hope to make my decision then. Considerations will be along the lines of compensation, culture and people – how are the Japanese gilrs? Erm…how do the 3 stack up I suppose is what I’m asking.


    • Japan is by far the best country in terms of compensation but very, very competative! Japan is going through severe depopulation and extremely qualified gaijin with graduate degrees and fluent in Japanese are trying to hang on to their current jobs. Are you fluent in Japanese? Can you read and write academic Japanese? Well your competition can so good luck with that. The Japanese will expect you to participate in committees and the like and not knowing Japanese is not much of an excuse. In terms of female companionship, Japan is great for young guys who are fit. If you are middle aged and have a paunch then you will be lonely. Korea is a wild card. Sometimes you get great compensation and an even better deal than Japan and sometimes you get a really bad deal. Koreans will take advantage of your lack of knowledge of the job situation and will try to bully you into a bad job at the interview be strong and pass if the salary or conditions are much worse than what you would get in the UK. Korea is not a cheap country, cheaper tha the UK for sure but not by much. Housing has to be part of the package in Seoul period. Don’t mess with Hagwons (cram schools) or language schools period! A language center in a university is your only bet in Korea. I think Thailand is kind of a paradise compared to Japan or Korea which are very cold and not necessarily that fun for foreigners but….Salaries are low in Thailand even adjusted for cost of living. International schools pay an international wage so you are millionaire over here if you get a job in an international school but you must be a certified teacher! Just having a grad degree is not enough for an international school. I have been very lucky in Thailand but I am definetly the exception to the rule!

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