Zombieland Rules


Rule 1 Cardio. This one comes up in Zombieland and clearly makes a lot of sense. How many fat people do you see at the end of the world when its zombies doing the ending? I better hit the gym or I am screwed because I am far from an athlete now!

Rule 2 Beware of Bathrooms. Any good apocalyptic zombie survivor should know better than going into a bathroom, small closet or any other small room with one way in or out.

Rule 3 Seatbelts. It’s a safe bet unless you’re a complete idiot (see rule #7) you’re not going to travel on foot in a zombie outbreak. There is nothing worse than finding yourself ejected out of your car into the loving and oh so hungry arms of zombies.

Rule 4 Doubletap. Carrying a gun is a great idea but it should never be your primary weapon. If you’re attacked by zombies why skimp? One bullet more in the head will go a long way to ensuring your survival.

Rule 5 No Attachments. This is a tough one but you cannot have attachments. If you have kids or a wife you’re less likely to survive then the gal or guy who has no attachments and nothing slowing him or her down. Attachments lead to bonehead decisions like ‘going back into the room’ or ‘nobody gets left behind’.

Rule 6 Travel in a Group. The best way to increase your odds of survival when travelling in a zombie outbreak is to make sure you’re a traveling buffet. Going it alone gives the zombies no choices but to eat you. Going it with the old man with the limp, the little kid who can’t run and the middle-aged woman with the bum leg gives the zombies more options and you better odds.

Rule 7 Keep the Morons Close at Hand. One of the most sure-fire ways of making sure you survive is keeping the less intelligent as close at hand as possible.

Rule 8 Kill with Efficiency. It’s not about pretty its about efficiency. A lot of folks run for the gun cabinet but the truly savvy go looking for the most blunt and effective way to destroy the brain. That is anything from a baseball bat… to a toilet lid! Kill with Efficiency… don’t use weapons that need something else (like bullets) to work. Use weapons you can swing over and over and over since you don’t tend to run into one zombie at a time.

Rule 9 Guns Are for Hunting, Not for Zombie Killing. This one is simple. Guns need bullets. When you are running who has time to stop for bullets? Keeping a shotgun with buckshot on hand is important but only when your pinned in and need a quick getaway. It’s not a proper means for killing zombies as guns run out of ammo and need reloading. Remember a Cricket Bat, or Toilet Lid do not need loading!

Rule 10 Be Quiet. It’s the end of the world so try to avoid squealing like a 4th grade school girl and perhaps invest in some good sneakers. Nobody said you have to kill all the zombies and there is certainly no shame in sneaking around and surviving versus tearing around like a madman and ending up being an undead happy meal.

Rule 15 Know Your Way out! There is nothing worse than a poorly planned escape. If you are going to be a hero it’s always a good idea to plan ahead and as the rule states.

 Rule 17 Don’t Be a Hero. The hot chick who wants to give you some sugar is not worth being eaten alive. So when the going gets rough hot chick or not it’s time to flee. In the land of the zombies there is no making a stand and no point in ending up a brave zombie. Better to be a coward that is alive.

Rule 18 Limber Up. When fighting a zombie or running from zombies it’s not a great time to be pulling a muscle or throwing your back out. So limbering up is a must. Stretch it out a little.

Rule 19 Blend In. Much as Shaun did in Shaun of the Dead its important to blend in. When is the last time you saw a zombie try to eat another zombie? Not easily done but with the right odor and smearing of bodily fluids on your face and body it can happen.

Rule 20 Find the Right Shelter. Shelter is the key to survival.  A car can be shelter.

Rule 21 Zombies can’t Climb. Much like you have never seen a zombie eat another zombie when’s the last time you saw a zombie climb a wall? Well other than the debacle that was the remake of Day of the Dead which had Spider Man zombies but let’s just pretend that movie never happened. Zombies cannot climb so get to high ground when you are not moving.

Rule 22 Be Ruthless. Much like the rule of having no attachments being ruthless is your key. When your bride turns into the undead, reach for the lid to the toilet and be ruthless. The weak and compassionate will not survive in the world of the undead.

Rule 23 God Bless Rednecks. Rednecks are stereotyped as loud, brash, well armed and ready to kick ass. So when a redneck shows up in your group I say it’s the best news yet. Sure ‘rednecks’ can attract zombies with their gunplay and brash carrying on but they also are well armed and have big balls. Best of all they are good bait for you to make your exit while they are busy with the gunplay and making a mess of the zombies.

Rule 24 No Drinking. This one should be pretty obvious. Escaping zombies is tough enough as it is how well do you think you will do after downing a couple of shots of Jack Daniels? Drinking is not a good survival tactic in Zombieland.

Rule 31 Check the Back Seat. I can’t tell you how many times somebody has met their end or in this case been eaten because they are just not smart enough to check the back seat. Always check the back seat friends. Always!

Rule 32 Enjoy the Little Things. It’s the end of the world. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Do the little things and enjoy them. Who knows how long you have to live!

Group Work

The students will break into groups and make their own additional rules.

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