What if TV dates?


What if Date 1: Joey of “Friends” dated Samantha of “Sex and the City”.

Friends and Sex and the City are the two top sitcoms set in New York City.  Each show has their acknowledged sex expert.  Joey goes after anything in a skirt.  Samantha goes after anything in pants.  The meeting of these two sexual volcanoes is bound to happen.  Joey and Samantha meet at a hot bar in New York.  They look at each other’s eyes and fall madly in lust and do the dirty deed several times actually.  Their chi is just too strong for birth control to handle and Samantha ends up having twins by Joey.  The twins are one boy and one girl.  The Twins grow up to be right wing, Christian, conservatives. They rail against the decadence of New York and start a cult in Waco, Texas.

What if Date 2: Carrie of “Sex and the City” dated Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerry_Seinfeld_%28character%29) rarely reads any part of the newspaper but the funnies but happens to flip past Carrie’s (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carrie_Bradshaw) column and finds it hilarious.  He then sees her picture on the side of a bus in New York and thinks pretty and funny!  Seinfeld asks Elaine, with her many contacts in the New York publishing scene, to get Carries number.  Turns out that Elaine is friends with Carrie and thinks they would be a good couple.  Carrie and Seinfeld meet in an upscale restaurant in upper Manhattan.  They make fun of all the patrons in the restaurant and then proceed to make fun of all the dishes as well.  They take a stroll through Central Park and Carrie takes out a cigarette and lights up.  Seinfeld cuts the date short.  The idea of kissing the mouth of a smoker sickens him.  Seinfeld never calls Carrie again.  Carrie obsesses about Seinfeld for about a week before moving onto a new boy toy.  She consoles herself with the thought that he really wasn’t all that good looking even if he was funny. 

Fast forward to forty years in the future, Seinfeld is on his death bed.  Kramer mentions that he has taken up smoking again because there are these new cigarettes that are totally safe and he is going to make a mint selling them.  Seinfeld thinks of Carrie the smoker and says “Carrie” before he dies.  At the funeral none of the remaining gang can figure out who the heck Carrie was.  Elaine can’t help the gang figure out who Carrie is since she drowned in the Great New York Flood of 2020 due to the melting polar ice caps.  Ironically, Carrie died in the same flood trying to save her shoes from getting wet rather than going to shelter.

 

What if Date 3: Charlotte of “Sex and the City” dated George of “Seinfeld”.

Charlotte (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_York) is set up for a blind date with George Costanza (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Costanza) by Elaine Benes of Seinfeld (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elaine_Benes).  George tells Charlotte that he will be wearing a New York Yankees baseball cap and a green jacket.  Charlotte spots George a block away and is shocked to see that George is so fat.  Charlotte calls George and explains how her cat has died, she has the flu, was in a car accident, whatever, and won’t be on their date or any date for quite a while.

Fast forward to fifty years in the future, George is on his death bed.  George became obsessed with figuring out who the heck Carrie was after Seinfeld died.  Charlotte was in Paris training Bulgarian gals how to be high class mistresses, not hookers, during the flood.  As Charlotte likes to tell her girls, “Any girl can give great sex but great sex and great manners and culture makes you the mistress not just another girlfriend.  Elaine has changed a lot since her younger days.  

She is thrice divorced is quite wealthy due to her divorce settlements and even wealthier due to her particular type of “charm” school. Charlotte now considers love to be a weakness that should be exploited by women since men are total jerks.  She arrives at the last minute.  Charlotte has heard about how George has been trying to find out about Carrie through mutual third parties.  Charlotte feels guilty about the blind date and figure she can now erase that particular sin. 

Charlotte tells George the whole convoluted story as she heard it from Carrie before she died.  George asks Charlotte if she will grant a dying man a final request. Elaine agrees.  George asks for a kiss.  Charlotte slaps George and storms out of the apartment.  George dies and goes to a special limbo for neurotics who aren’t really evil but will drive the rest of the inhabitant’s nuts if allowed into heaven eternally.

What if? Date 4: Carrie of “Sex and the City” dated Frasier.

Carrie has had her first book published and is so excited.  Carrie’s publisher calls her and tells her that based on their research her largest fan base outside of New York in the US is Seattle.  They want her to do a book tour to Seattle all expenses paid!  Carrie has never been to Seattle.

 

After the disastrous train ride to California with Samantha, Carrie isn’t sure she wants to do any more book tours.  The date with Mr. Big in California worked out in the end but made her rethink her relationships.  Carrie has vowed the next man will be one who is in touch with his emotion and can talk about them rather than emotionally unreachable like Mr. Big.  Anyway, Carrie has watched Sleepless and Seattle at least four times and wonders what like the actual city is like.

Carrie learned her lesson after the train ride to California and travel in style on an airplane.  She arrives late at night.  The alarm rings and she gets ready.  A local agent drives her to the bookstore.  Unlike her book signing in California there are tons of young gals in what she thinks is Goth or grunge or some combination of the two styles.  Not a pair of Prada shoes in the bunch.  She’s sees more tattoos in four hours in the bookstore than in a week in New York and wonders if maybe she’s old fashioned and if a small tattoo placed tastefully were no one can see it might be fun but then wonder if the process is painful and decides that she is not a tattoo sort of gal.

A tall man with a square face and blond hair in a perfect Brook Brothers suit sits down to get his book signed.  She can’t help notice that he is extremely well groomed compared to all the grungy, bearded, mustachioed men that have approached before.  She was wondering if a black T-shirt with a flannel shirt was some sort of Seattle uniform.  When he pulls out a Mont Blanc pen she perks up a bit.  When the Mont Blanc pen turns out to be a fountain pen she is a bit surprised.  He puts out his hand confidently to shaker hers and introduces himself as Frasier.

Carrie: I can’t help but notice that is a fountain pen.  I didn’t know anyone still used fountain pens.

Frasier: Normally I don’t but I think a book signing is a special event and deserves a special pen. This is my book signing pen.  The pen itself is part of a special limited edition set.  Notice the azure finish that offsets the silver trim, that’s real silver by the way.

Frasier raises his pen to his eyes and looks at the finish and then at her eyes.

Frasier: Actually you have azure eyes yourself.  Azure is my favorite color and I don’t think I have ever met a women with eyes quite the color of yours, not to mention the rest of you is quite fetching.

Carrie is taken aback and pleased at the same time.  Unless they are gay, Carries experience is that most men don’t know the difference between blue and azure.  She briefly wonders if Frasier is gay but no he is definitely flirting with her.  After having spent time in California with a man that was sparing in his praise of her, this Frasier fellow is a welcome change.  She reflects a bit and decides it’s not the praise itself but how Frasier says the praise in a sincere genuine, warm tone rather than the ironic, kidding tone, Mr. Big half uses 24/7 that she used to find endearing but she suddenly realizes now irritates her even as she reflects on Mr. Big’s voice. 

Sometimes when Big raises his eyebrows in a Groucho Marx manner, with his trademark sexy smile, Carrie just wants to slap him since this assumes a familiarity he has betrayed and the worst part is that he doesn’t he even know what he has done to her by moving to California.

Carrie thinks: Why is it those habits we first loved in our loved one, in the long run become those things we hate the most?  Are we doomed to hate what we used to love?

Frasier: You know I am a giant fan of yours I think your insight into relationships while humorous and also quite deep.  I have thought of writing a review of your book from a psychological point for the next Seattle conference of marriage counselors and psychologists.

Carrie: You are a psychologist?  You dress and act more like someone in another profession.

Frasier: And what profession would that be?

Carrie: I don’t know but when I think psychiatrist I think Freud and when I think Freud I think beard and you are in the city with more men with beards per capita than anywhere but a lumber jack camp.

Frasier: Well actually in Seattle the civilians wear beards and the psychiatrists don’t in order to stand out. 

Carrie: Well in New York a psychiatrist has to wear ratty tweed jacket or something else that shows you have poor fashion sense.

Frasier: Hmm, you must have met my first wife.

Carrie: What?

Frasier: Nothing, nothing, let’s not spoil our festive introduction with memories of bitter vicissitudes of the past.  Look here’s my card.  Why don’t we get together tonight for a drink, consider me the President of the Carrie Bradshaw club, the Seattle chapter.

Carrie: Well President, Carrie Bradshaw wants to make a spot inspection and see if the fan club if following the national regulations.

Frasier: What regulations are those?

Carrie: That’s for me to know and for you to find out.

Frasier: A woman of both mystery and beauty quiet my beating heart.

The two arrange to meet at the lobby of her hotel later in the evening.  Carrie gets ready for the date.   Is it a date? She wonders?  She also wonders what dating a psychiatrist will be like.  Her Seattle contact from the publishing company recognized the name on his card instantly and said Frasier was a bit of a local celebrity because of his radio talk show.  Well she wanted a man who was emotionally available and could talk about his emotions, and certainly a psychologist fits these criteria, if anyone does.

Frasier walks her to a new restaurant that is about two blocks away from the hotel.

Frasier: The restaurant is a new French/Japanese fusion restaurant called Michaud’s.  Apparently the Chef has a mother from Montreal and a father from Japan that had met in Seoul where he grew up.  The father cooked on the weekends and the mother cooked during the week so he grew up trilingual, French, Japanese and Korean and biculinary, French and Japanese.

Carrie: Biculinary?  Is that legal?  Man that sounds like one National Geographic personal history.

Frasier: No kidding, I guess if you don’t have parents from at least two countries and are raised in a third country then you are hopelessly provincial.  I once met this Peruvian American at Gifted and Talented summer camp at Michigan State University when I was in Middle School and back then he was the height of exoticism but I guess nowadays he’s practically a WASP.  Well anyway, he does this lovely set of sushi dishes that include a truffle garnish, pâté and a Frenchified soy sauce that is to die for.

Carrie: How do you Frenchify soy sauce?

Frasier: Apparently you read the bottles of soy sauce Sartre in order to make them more cultured. 

Carrie:  You know I once tried to read Being and Nothingness and didn’t get it at all.

Frasier: The key to understanding Being and Nothingness is that it’s a lot of BS about nothing.

Carrie thinks: Wow! Funny and intellectual!  Carry is very impressed by the dinner and thinks that maybe New York is not the only city in the world with great, cutting edge restaurants.  Frasier’s phone rings and as soon as Frasier hears the voice on the other end his face drops and he is visibly upset.

Frasier: Dad why are you calling me?  I told you I was on a date and didn’t want to be disturbed.  Eddie is sick?  This is supposed to be a bad thing?  No, no I’m sorry that’s uncalled for.  Well what am I supposed to do?  I am not a vet.  You think it’s a psychological problem?  Have you tried calling Niles?  No luck, hmmm, I see ok I will see what I can do.

Carrie: What’s wrong?

Frasier: my father thinks Eddie, his dog, is suffering from psychological shock due to a TV show.

Carrie: What sort of show causes psychological shock to dogs?

Frasier: Well aside from I Love New York the TV show, not the campaign, that causes anyone with an IQ of over 60 shock, and Eddie has an IQ of 62, there was cartoon special titled “Hello Kitty vs. Snoopy” and apparently Snoopy lost.  Eddie identifies strongly with Snoopy..

Carrie: But I Love New York.  Dogs don’t watch TV.  Are you sure Eddie is a dog and not some figment of your imagination?

Frasier: Oh I wish Eddie was a figment of my imagination but I am afraid he is all too real.  Look I hate to cut our date short but I need to get home and help my father out.  I don’t see how I can help since I am not a licensed dog psychiatrist.  Who knows what sort of squirrels and gerbils are running around the brain of a canine?

Carrie: I have an idea why don’t I come over and help you out.  I have some experience with a dog called Petey and if I can handle a dog with diarrhea in the middle of Manhattan then I certainly can help you with a dog with mere mental problems.

Frasier: Are you sure my father is very…let’s just say, we are very different.

Carrie: Different?

Frasier: Dr Jekyll was a soul mate of Mr. Hyde compared to me and my father.  Bruce Banner is practically a doppelganger of the Hulk compared to me and my father.

Carrie thinks: Who the heck is Bruce Banner but keeps her mouth shut since her affair with comic book guy taught her to never, ever ask guys about comic books since they might actually answer your question.

Carrie:  I am sure you are exaggerating.

Secretly Carrie welcomes this opportunity to see Frasier in his home environment and also wants to see how he handles an emergency even if the emergency is a rather lame one.  In the past she has wasted time on endless dates before finding out that the man she was dating had some secret or oddity that made the relationship impossible.

Carrie thinks: Get right to the house on the first date and start opening up those closets right away!  That’s my new philosophy.